The five mile hide...

The knock came to the door as I suspected it would, Though i had sweated and fretted all evening praying it never would, But something had told me that this person had been in this position before and was doing one of two things, Maybe He was worried that his dirty little secret was out And  his plan of action was to nip it in the bud perhaps apologising for the misunderstanding, believing that my father might reluctantly accept his explanation, not fully understanding what was being implied, Playing on the mixed emotions of what parents back then really wanted to believe,Sure why would he come over and more or less implicate himself in something that I failed to mention over the dinner table, unless of course it was all a big misunderstanding... I don't think there was any neglect on my fathers part, He certainly loved me as much as I love my own daughter, I just think that adults back then were more naive than we are today!  I guess they had to make their minds up with less available information to hand, Unlike today with the tap of a button everything you need to know is there! And the more you use this service, The more blurred the facts become, Its not long before the answers you seek become fact, Whether there true or not!  But back then parents had much less info to work with, It was OK to drink and drive, Cigarettes were harmless to children in the room, And neighbours didn't try to molest your kids!!  Agia, my German Shepard  was now standing at the inside porch door losing his mind barking like he was possessed, They do say that dogs are good judges of character,
I hoped this might be enough to drive off the unwelcome caller, I was slow to rise from the kitchen table, Partly because i just did not want to face this...this...absolute horror of a human being, But mostly because earlier that day I had thrown myself from a moving car to prevent myself from being, Well... I guess...Molested!
When i opened the door, I don't know what I expected But I didn't expect him to be smiling, Holding my school bag in his hand and beckoning for me to come outside, I froze looking at him through the outside glass door, Thinking that I should feel safe here, In my house, with my family, On my turf! But I didn't, Now more than ever I felt as vulnerable here trapped in the porch,   As I had felt when I was forced earlier that day to throw myself from his moving car to avoid his unwelcome sexual advances, I just stood there uncomfortable, awkward...ashamed In the glass porch, The porch that to him must have from where he was standing resembled a goldfish bowl or worse still a menu board!

When he put his hand on the handle and attempted to open the door, Survival mode kicked in and I pushed open the door behind me, Allowing my now manic snarling German Shepard Agia into the porch, Within a second the glass door was covered in giant paw prints and a white foamy dogs saliva, The side of the dogs face pressed against the window, One eye fixed on the prize! Before that day I had never seen a dog actually bite glass!
Needles to say his attempts to open the door ceased, And I watched his face turn a sickly grey as he realised that he had lost the power, A power that all paedophiles rely on to control their victims!
And believe me now I realise I was a victim, But then there was sense of shame, A shame that makes you feel guilty, A shame that generally plays you right into their hands!
Thankfully as the dog continued with his rant the glass door turned an oppace colour from his breath, Hiding me, Hiding my face, At least hiding my shame!
He layed my bag down outside the door And slowly backed out of the gate, I could barely make out the  profile of his grey suit through the foggy glass as he turned and started the engine of his blue renault 5, Which had a very distinct sound to it, Like a piston  was misfiring, A sound that over the next year or so of my life,  I was to become all too familiar with, As we played cat and mouse on the five mile stretch of road between Cobh and East ferry, A stretch of road I referred to as The five mile hide.

I want to stress that not for a minute do I consider myself a casuallty, Others may over the course of the next few weeks disagree as I attempt to make sense of that whole period of my life, These are true stories that I have shared with only a few people in my life, Week to week I will continue with excerpts from this trying and somewhat damaging period of my life, This is meant to help me, And in the meantime if other people can relate as I tell my story And ultimately expose the perpetrator of these heinous crimes...Well more power to all of us!
Regards Dave.

There is no end to this story...

I guess I shouldn't feel guilty But the look I was getting from two old dears, Well lets just say daggers! But up until then I had been oblivious to them, Nattering away passing remarks about anyone they could clap their eyes on, looking for a reason to have an opinion on anyone who didn't meet their high standards of whats right and wrong, I started to feel a bit self conscious as their voices dropped a bit as I approached but I still picked up the jist of it...Look at yer man, Look at the way he parked sure he almost fell over gettin out of the van And sure look he cant walk straight....Someone should call the Guards on him He's pissed with the drink!
Sometimes I'm confounded to see that people think that its perfectly acceptable to insult and judge others based on a hunch,  Now when I was younger things like this would just be like water off a ducks back And I would have said nothing or more likely i wouldn't have known what to say, But I think as you get older you've got so much more to say, A better command of the English language if you like! Even though it appears no one really wants to hear what you say, never the less my opinion will be heard! So I stopped and addressed the situation, I explained to them that I have Parkinsons disease and that sometimes I find it difficult to move freely, And that if they were concerned they could have simply asked what was wrong and I would have explained, They're response was one of confusion, I got a perturbed look from one, A pause...And then quick as you like, Isn't that what yer man Mickey little fella off dat film back to de past had?...You know yer man with de flyin car! I could hardly contain the laughter as I corrected her That it was actually Michael J Fox and the film was back to the future!She looked puzzled and said We thought you were drunk And we didn't want to be rude, I laughed said my goodbyes and turned to head across the street to the Stillorgan shopping centre and Pondering their thought process, We were talking about you behind your back as we didn't want to be rude! Is that just an Irish thing? No surely its just a human thing! Who knows...

Its great to see that tesco's have remodelled their store, Still a little bit on the small size But at least they seem to have utilised the limited space they had putting it to better use, I don't wish to sound disabled but being symptomatic with Parkinsons can happen at any moment, And usually that would be likely when you're shopping in a place like this, Where the isles were too narrow and were generally cluttered up with recently delivered boxes any day of the week, Which might suggest they were short of storage space. But first I had to head to the Post office to grab a stamp for the blue envelope I held in my hand which contained a ticket with three stars exposed on it, For the show Winning streak...My god the least you can win is ten grand...How bad! Now I don't generally get so excited about such things, As I don't usually purchase these tickets, Maybe I should...get excited a bit more I mean!  Maybe have more of an air of expectancy,  Don't they say expecting it opens the door to receiving it!! Or words to that effect, No it was kindly purchased by a relation of my brother in law Paul and given to his wife Margaret, My sister, Now it wouldn't be fair to Margaret to mention that she first scratched the card to see if she had won any money...She hadn't, And then gave the card to me...She did! Fair or not I've mentioned it...Sorry Marg,
Hold tough though, The story gets a wee bit more interesting While walking to the post office which is directly under Brambles bistro at the far end of the centre, Someone put their arms around me from behind and squeezed, After my initial shock when I realised I wasn't being mugged I relaxed and the person let go, When I turned I was surprised to see my fourteen year old daughter Emily Jade standing there, With her hair plaided on one side of her head and the other side hanging down freely, An odd symmetry but it worked on her! Her ray bans which she assured me have made a come back hanging off the end of her nose so she was looking up at me with those puppy dog eyes, Its about now that I usually start reaching for cash, She never asks for it, But i feel like i have to give her everything all the time, I guess that's the effect that teenager girls have on their fathers! I suspect we know it wont be long till that someone, more age appropriate, Cute and sooooo cool captures their attentions! At least temporarily, Until eventually she gets her little heart broken And all I will want to do is sort it...But I guess I know that will be the domain of her Mother! For the moment at least I'll take any attention i can get! Already I can see a look of regret on her face, Shes now wondering was it such a good idea to have made herself known, Should she have instead quietly slipped past me and said nothing, Its just that there is an air of awkwardness about our meetings now, Never since I was her age have i felt so out of place or indeed awkward, Remembering how as a juvenile overflowing with testosterone My friends and I would compete for the attentions of a girl we liked Which usually meant holding court with her friends as well, Entertaining them all equally but making her best friend who would usually be sitting next to her, laugh only as much as she was laughing herself, Any more and you would be guilty of flirting, Any less and you were subject to the eyes rolling in her head and a look of disdain that only girls know how to deliver! And then you knew you blew it! While I never yet received those eyes from Emily, Not that I'm aware of anyway, The simple fact is and I'm going to educate all Fathers out there who's daughters have yet to reach the age of fourteen...I'm 46...She's fourteen...Everything I say is boring, Everything she says comes out of Justin Biebers...Or at least the depressed, skinny and mopey girl from Twilights mouth!
It's an age thing, It also a Father-Daughter thing that has been going on long before I got here, And no doubt will continue long after I leave!
I guess the lesson for me here is that relationships change and improve, Whether it be the few muddled moments spent in the company of those two old ladies or lifetime I will spend loving my daughter And at times understanding that on occasions it will be unrequited love!

Parkinson's Awareness Video

Time to call it quits........

AGIA.....AGIIIAAAA....Here boy! then there was silence, I'd listen intently as the last of my voice would echo back at me, standing in a half perched stance with my hands cupped around my ears, centred on the crossroads at Belgrove east ferry,  Placed squarely between Sean Hollands farm and Dinny sheehans facing our house at the bottom of the hill!  The hill my Father used to use to start the car! And  usually because of the stillness of the nights it wouldn't take long to recognise the change in the air, hearing Agia approaching across damp fields  at great speed, his heavy paws, bigger than most could be heard and then felt through the ground! I was wondering had i dreamt him, Was I just imagining the sound?  Out of desperation and anguish for the absence of a young boys companion, Nay friend...Possibly BEST FRIEND!     It had been two days now, Not like him to be gone so long...   I sat...whistled called again,,,and nothing!
We waited at the pitch cold crossroads being harassed by the fairies as they flew just out of view, some bold enough to chance a touch of our hair causing me to flail my arms wildly, This was usually enough to drive them off!  They would disappear making a bee line for the  Oak  tree  bordering Butlers farm, A huge tree that seemed to unfairly dominate the evening skyline!  A tree that is believed  to have sucked in daylight, More likely it just easily blocked  out the light due to its size, But yes the nights drew  in quicker because of that tree!
 As  the wind had picked up   hearing anything  was going to be tough! And the lads decided it was late and perhaps time to consider giving up the search for the night,  I think they sensed perhaps it was a fruitless search, Here were four young boys on the hunt for a dog that was in dog years anyway, Older than us combined! The truth be known Dogs that went missing in the country side usually suffered a cruel but similar fate at the hands of a local farmer, Something I think they silently suspected but were reluctant to suggest!....And I was thankful for that.
I did what my friend later told me was very dangerous, I made my way to the woods on Butlers land...Their first objection was that its not safe what with the ferocious dog  Jet,  Agia  knew jet personally, He had had a few gladiatorial schrimishes with him since we lived there,I'm not sure who had won because usually I would turn and run at the very start of these battles for fear that if Agia were to somehow lose, Jet might then turn his attentions to me! He was a competent foe, Jet, black as his name would suggest, Unusually long white fangs that he had no problem bearing, Yes we had had several encounters in the past and I suspected we may yet have more! I hoped!! Not that that worried me right now,  it was there next move that chilled my spine....Daavvve...Their Orange men! theeiiir kiinnng billies boys!
Gotta say, totally lost on me,  Other than I knew they were refering to the Butlers form of religion...I had lived in the States for the formative years, so i knew nothing of
"Orange king billy" Or Protestants either! The only reference I had heard back home was the term, White Anglo Saxon Protestants..Or wasps for short, Not nice...But not too defamatory! No it was in that ghostly tone that boys use on you as its getting dark and you've committed to the chase in the woods And you get that sinking feeling when you realise that they are actually heading home now!! Ya that's where the chill in my spine began! When I realised I was alone...
As I reluctantly pushed on through the woods I could still hear the lads screaming like Banshees, But they were too far away to have an ill effect, Until eventually and quite comically they started singing By the rivers of Babylon by Boney M? I Think! How weird now...but different times then, I guess,
And until I could hear them no more I was relatively safe, I don't know how that logic works as they were too far away to hear me not alone to help! But for me it worked!
I immediately became aware of more fairies swooping down using their sonar clicks to pass inches over my head, I don't know why we called them fairies and not Bats, Probably just some childish remark spoken then repeated by another and both laying claim to it as it seemed to quite please a girl in their company, So it stuck!
I continued deeper in until to be honest it was pitch black and I could see very little, Only as the moon on occasions was freed of its embrace  by the clouds that seemed to be running across the night sky, Through the shards of moon light that flashed through the trees I could I thought make out a figure of a person in front of me and then there were two, three,ten....too many to count! They were making their way towards me arms extended, Shuffling, Moaning... My eyes closed involuntarily clamped shut, I couldn't,t open them even if I wanted too, My feet were stuck to the muddy ground, I couldn't run The chills literally ran the lenght of my spine finishing in my hair line on the back of my neck like boney fingers..........
Isn't the child's imagination a glorious thing, Of course when I did manage to open my eyes I realised I was alone, Time to call it quits for the night, As two days of missing in action was turning to three I made my way home out of the woods through the ploughed field that led to a gap in the hedge directly opposite my front door, The closer I got the more secure I felt, As I placed my foot on the wall with the intention of jumping past the nettles on the road side, I looked down and my heart sank...... My search was over...............

Six paychecks away...

I regret to inform you that your application for disability has been declined And the reason for this is that we have no money to give you And we would be grateful if you would just fuck off and die!....Preferably some where on a beach below the tidal line so you would just wash out to sea!
Yours sincerely
A horrible disgusting person.
Now I'm sure by now you've figured out what portion of this letter is fact and whats fiction, But I'm just trying to convey the impact this would have on someone if they were entirely dependant on the paltry payment of one hundred and eighty euro per week, due to a disability of some sort, No this is not my position yet And I stress yet because as I'm painfully aware the eventual outcome of this disease is as individual as the individual themselves!
I rested the letter on the glass table in the kitchen and let out a sigh, Not of frustration, More of acceptance, I knew three months ago when I was filling out the several different forms your required to complete before they will consider your application, That I wasn't going to get a happy reply, I wouldn't call it negative thinking, You know I'm not a negative person! But that last comment alone would imply that i am by virtue of the fact that I used the word not...or is it the word negative?...I don't know...I'm confused!..........Ok Lets just call it the opposite of positive and be done with it!!
Now I work everyday as you do, I get up in the morning I iron a shirt, I shower and shave I get dressed and I arrive at work for the most part in good form.....But this is where the similarities end! The tingling sensation starts in my left foot as well as in my fingers Which quickly turns to cramps and stiffness, Not just confined to just these regions It rapidly spreads through out my entire body, Rendering me quite useless,Then comes the confusion... I lose some of my ability to reason where the simplest of tasks become nai on impossible! I can feel the tablet I took an hour ago still trapped in my throat, No matter how much water i drink it wont shift , I suspect it could be a residue of  ex smokers mucus, Something that's not pleasant to ponder but I'm told that can last for years! So until the meds reach my stomach and  has a chance to dissolve, There will be no relief from my symptoms.     An hour or so later,
About the time the second or third table is filled for lunch I can feel a reprieve coming, I really mean it just seems to literally wash over me over the course of ten minutes loosening everything up, Do you remember that scene in Forest Gump when he's being chased by the bullies in a truck and he can barely run But as the leg braces start to fall off piece by piece his speed increases until he's out of sight and their left scratching their heads! Well that's me! And while I will avail of this wonderful reprieve schlepping from table to table smiling and exchanging short exaggerated  stories with the customers almost like a game of mine's bigger than yours...I always let them win...The tips are always better that way! I know that I'll be back in the same boat in about two hours or so, Maybe three if I'm really lucky But then I run the danger of running out of steam completely if its left too long, With a long recovery after medicating for the second time today.
I do wonder whats to become of me, If the job or rather jobs were  to go, What then? Its been made completely clear by the lovely lady at the department of social protection That while she didn't wish to be physicas or didactic...OK I added that in, Just wanted her to sound like a complete tosser! She wasn't...She was quite lovely. No I wonder at what stage of losing my job do I have to vacate my rented apartment, Id suggest that it could be what I refer to as the six paycheck rule, Most people will have in their bank account the equivalent of six weeks pay,Now that figure is determined by the obvious, How big was your paycheck!! The bigger the check the better your doing! For some of us however it would be a rather quick fall from grace,And I'd have to with all my possessions
 move into the jeep I own which is off the road as I cant afford to tax it!  So I'd be forced to park outside the bective clubhouse in Donnybrook, Where  I know there would be a hot shower and a gym to help fight the symptoms of Parkinsons! And of course there would be several shops and restaurants to eat at..................Oh no! I forgot, I'm not entitled to any disability payments or help!
I stick by this 6 paycheck rule, I had met plenty of people in the USA last year in a similar position...
This is more their story than ours...But it could end up being ours too one day

Not so much a short story this time...More of a short fact!

I don't who said this but it makes sense... Society shall be judged by it's treatment of
the elderly, The inferm And the vulnerable!

for you Aoife.

Romeo's home...

Cothrells row is treacherous at the best of times, I couldn't tell you off the top of my head the exact degree of the slope,But what I can tell you is that if you attempted to run down this hill at full belt you wouldn't make it to the bottom, On your feet Anyway! I know this from personal experience, I've got the scars to prove it! Sufficed to say it was very steep, Now add into the equation a broken ankle covered in plaster and a pair of crutches with the rubber things at the bottom worn out, So much so that on a good day on a flat surface at speed I could create sparks, but not here, This hill was to be given the utmost respect At least until the steps leading down the side of Carrs shop, As I gingerly made my way down the uneven steps having to compensate for the difference in height of each one, Who ever coined the phrase The don't make em like they used Would if they saw these steps add to that...Thank fuck!
On the last step I'd have to stall and poke my head around the corner to see if the old man and his work colleague Willy Glanville were by chance heading down to the Pilot boat at the camber to head out to pick up or drop off a pilot to one of the many ships in the harbour, I decided to have a smoke while I waited, appreciating the beauty of Cork harbour as the sun rose and burnt off the slight haze that hung over Spike island.
My thoughts wandered to the slight whiff of perfume left on my shirt as a result a very close encounter earlier that morning with a young American girl named...No she shall remain nameless, It wouldn't be right! I wondered was she thinking of me at that moment? She probably was, No I know she was because only two hour ago we declared our undying love for each other in the throws of what at the time seemed like the greatest love scene ever played out, In hindsight I'm sure I've seen dogs make a better job of it out side the BMC stores down town, But what did I know, I was sixteen!
While I had been standing there day dreaming I had failed to notice the car pull up in front of me, The familiar face of Willy Glanville looking at me with that cheeky grin he has, Alright Dave how are you? He knew well how I was..., I was fucked! I thought....you were...My dad...the boat...What? I couldn't string a sentence together, Only a couple of hours ago I was the velvet tongued Romeo who couldn't put a foot wrong, The only thing that could be worse right now was if I pissed my pants, Thankfully I didn't!...That I recall, About then Willy pipes up, No it was very quiet so your Dad left early, He's at home And sure I'm away now as Paddy arrived in early ,Good luck....And he drove off, I  had a rock in my belly, What the fuck was I going to do?
I made the last forty metres last a life time, Knowing that it would be a long time before I was let out again, The only consolation was that the American girl was flying back home that day so I wasn't inclined to miss any Mills and Boone moments, with her anyway! God, Now that I read that back I can understand why women think men are pigs! But as I said earlier I was sixteen...So what did I know?  As I approached the door I could see that the key was in the lock, Today that might be an indicator that someone leaving the house had forgotten something and had slipped back in for a moment, Not generally the case back then As I recall there were numerous times the key stayed in the door all day, Whether you were at home or not! The curtains were closed but I could see the light was on as they never no matter what you did quite closed flush, Ha I knew what he was up to, He'd baited the trap, I bet he had closed the living room door so as not let any light shine through the glass panels on the front door And he thought I'd quietly turn the key and attempt to creep upstairs, Which to be fair I'd done before But never with a broken ankle! But my plan was even more ingenious And daring, I would shinny up the sewage pipe on the side of the house making my way in through the upstairs bathroom window which I knew had a broken lock! And step into the bath And from there all I had to do was open the door and literally my bedroom was right there, All the while holding my crutches! Surprisingly it wasn't that difficult, I reached the ledge about fifteen feet up and slid the window down, Now this was the difficult part having to get the broken ankle in first as there was no traction on the bottom of the cast, So no grip and it also changed my centre of gravity, Again not that hard! Now get the other leg in, Done! Now I'm sitting on the open window with it pressing against my lower back, Quite uncomfortable But I knew there was only one more move And I was in like Flynn! I pushed hard scarping and hurting my back a bit and as I touched down I prematurely congratulated myself,And then... WTF!! I instinctively knew what it was as it filled both my cast and my shoe together but I still got a shock as only freezing cold water can shock you, No disrespect meant but I guess this was my titanic moment, It snatches your breath right out of your chest and immediately your knees lock out turning your legs into stilts...Stilts with a cast on the end! Stilts with a cast on the end with no traction!!! And I was under, Even with my head submerged I could hear the displaced water splash on the bathroom floor with a thump, Which meant that so had my Father! And as I surfaced still in shock, I could see his face smiling And I watched his lips moving hearing the words welcome home Romeo....Oh and your grounded!
For you Dad...

Vanity out the window...

I need you to stop talking and listen to what I'm about to tell you, I felt like a child being scolded in the church on a Sunday morning, Being discreetly poked and prodded by a sibling till eventually you swing recklessly in the general direction of your tormentor, Only to find the target you struck is much bigger and Is your Mother and has the authority to grab you by the wrist and tan your hide as everyone around you laughs
At your obvious blunder,There was nobody else laughing here,  Except strangely enough me!
I'm sitting on an examination table in a hospital But not the type you find in an accident and emergency, Therese no blood on the floor, No multi coloured plastic chairs from the eighties long past their sell by date And certainly no drunks or junkies standing in in such a manner, usually in a corner, That defies the laws of physics,  Eyes closed, drooling, arms kind of doing their own thing And all their weight seems to be on one toe! Amazing to watch How do they not fall over? Nobody knows, Its something my friend Pat refers to as Junkie Thai chi! No this was a sterile environment, Grey paint on the walls, grey doors and even some grey faces! Everything was so devoid of life, Not a plant or flower in the waiting room, I was later told that, That's to ensure anybody with allergies doesn't sneeze... Listen, There are only three reasons that you could be in this room today, One is Parkinson's, So your kinda fucked, Then Therese MS Which means you will be fucked up...And the third is Motor Neuron, Which means your completely fucked!!! So I don't think an occasional sneeze is gonna wreck my day! One of the grey faces there was the receptionist, Young Not unpretty! But looks like shes sucking a lemon when,  Greet would be a strong word, Processes you would be apt.

You've got Parkinson's disease! JUST LIKE THAT, I suppose Therese no nice way to tell someone  that they've got an Incurable, Progressive illness that over the years will rob you of your movement, Your speech your very essence, And we don't know what causes it or why or how you got it And that you should take this medication which may not work at all, And if it does There will be real nasty side effects, MABY! And in the meantime you should just get on with your life, As best you can! Of course.
I kind of felt sorry for the neurologist, Imagine being an expert in your field, Yet having no answers, Ones you knew to be truthful and certain anyway...Kind of like being a politician I guess! For less pay. Well backhanded perks anyway!
Twenty minutes later I'm sitting in my car outside my apartment, It was that quick, I'm on the phone to Rebbeca Murray, My boss But more importantly my friend, I'm coming over, Please don't, I need some time alone,Some time to think, some time to possibly cry...I don't know for sure, But until i got the action correct I'm on my own! after a bit of debate she reluctantly agreed.
The next month or so was what I referred to as the thirty days of tears! There were and really are no organisations who can really help, I mean really help, But Therese a little ray of light for PD sufferers who want to talk, If your that way inclined, What I'm discovering about PD is that you can suffer hugely from depression And i think I'm stating the obvious is That if you suffer from Depression You probably don't want to talk!!The ray of light i mentioned would be a small organisation who are completely patient oriented, Because they too suffer from PD, There called Move4parkinsons.com

I very quickly had to get hold of my condition So as not to let it take hold too soon, I was and am fighting it every day, so between the gym,bike and medication I get good hours of quality of life!
So when it works these little dopamine tablets they can boost my levels slowly and in a kind of jerky fashion, by this i mean Therese no fluidity in my movement And my thoughts are always foggy, Losing my train of thought very easily...But when it wears off its crash time!...Complete stiffness, cant talk, cant breath, pins and needles in my hands and feet, No balance and no coordination.
And vanity goes out the window!
I try to time the meds as best I can but its not easy, And as a result Ican find myself reverting back to the thirty days of tears!
The upside is that I'm loved!