Where do I start? How do I hope to continue And of course, However will I finish as I feel the all too familiar slowing of my thoughts, My silent opinions, My private charms dissipating letting go, Gradually giving up their lease on my mind, Now more like unwelcome squatters, Cast aside by the tyrannical landlord whom they until now served so well, Thrown to the ditch soon to be forgotten, Unable to fulfil their duties now...Unsure of where to go now...Never the less, They go now...they go ...They've gone...now!
As the mind slows it reaches a jubcture where it can give no more to the illness, Anymore would render it usless, Anymore and the senses would dull the pain to the extent that what comes now would never be felt And whats the use of pain if you don't get to experience it, If you're denied the sweet agony of your own personal pain, Not a familiar pain created by the heart, No, not a pain as you yearn for that one great love...That unrequited love, That pain spent so many nights agonising over, That pain you're sure will never pass...but it doe's...It always doe's! A different kind of pain!
So now the body begins to capitulate, Slowly at first not wanting to give up it's devine designs of the day, The fingers are usually the first to go, Cramping so bad they take on the appearance of claws, Useless and turning purple to boot! Then comes the involuntary leg and arm spasms cramping the calves so bad that it seems every little muscle has a personal score to settle, The years of abuse on the basketball court, Or the hours each day tearing down muscle fibers with excessive weight in the hope of creating the body beautiful!
Now unable to rise from the couch, Unable to even vocalise as a heavy shadow of apathy rests on my skin making me feel defenceless....useless even, certainly without opinion!
Now it's time to play host to every regret in my life to date blaming every lttle damaging thing I've ever done To find myself in this predicament now, But really knowing that whatever the reason for the cells of the substansia nigra to perish and stop producing dopamine, There was nothing I could have done to save them!
It's said that before I would have noticed the first symtoms, eighty per cent of the damage would have been done, A cruel blessing I guess As there is a saying, That if you worry about the worst case scenario and it happens anyway...You've lived it twice! So probably better this way.
And although I have for the most part accepted my fate, I still wonder was it genetic or enviornmental that caused this cruel joke called Parinson's Or was it just a freak accident of fate...Perhaps my genetics were the loaded gun and the envionment pulled the trigger!
I guess I'll never know on my journey into Life in gradual slow motion. But what I do know for certain is that as it progresses and by it's nature that's what it will do... that yesterday will always be the best day I've ever had!
Shaky Dave.
