Eyes open, Just a moment of confusion As I tried to figure out where I was...What room was i in? Not my usual room! 7...9? No, Definitely 8! It was a very distinctive room, An L shaped room, With three single beds, Soft beds, Too soft, Lovely to sit on But murder on the back to sleep on!
That was the problem with living in a hotel your Father owned, Never staying in one room long enough to actually call your own, Instead I stayed in rooms 5 through 9, Rarely in 1 through 4, And never in 10 through 12 on the third floor...They were haunted! I scanned the room through my imaginary telescope cupping my hands taking in the world an inch at a time Which of course translates to several inches the further away the target object is!
The small wooden crucifix on the wall, Hard to spot in a darkened room As it almost nearly matched in colour the timber panelling on the wall, The panelling that would today be considered an absolute fire hazard, And complimented by the Styrofoam cubes glued to the ceiling with I'm sure could only be the most flammable glue known to man, They were the ones that if you were to put a flame to them They would bubble and whistle and almost immediately start to drip a fiery substance that would stick to your skin And I'm sure would never go out...Not until you were dead anyway! , I imagined that they were Made from petrol or napalm or just fire itself perhaps! They were nasty.
As I lay there stretching and yawning it suddenly dawned on me...Today was the day, Aside from it being my birthday, My eleventh birthday! This was also the day I would collect my custom jacket from the Arcade, A haberdashery shop over the town next to the hairy bakers And Kenny's laundromat, Now when I say custom I really mean custom! How to describe this masterpiece, Picked out by me the previous summer at the Keen house men's clothing store two doors down from where I lived at the European Hotel, Was only the coolest chocolate brown corduroy hipster jacket with yellow double back stitching in all the right places, So as to be noticed...Of course, With metal buttons in a burnt brown to match the jackets colour, The kind of buttons that really were too big for the corresponding holes on the opposite side of the jacket, So in winter time you'd almost break a frozen purple knuckle just trying to fasten them! Of course it could be argued today that perhaps it was more of a summer coat And it would be more suitable in winter to wear A winter coat!! But back then we didn't have a summer coat and a winter coat...We just had a coat! Take your pick It was either a duffel coat with those funny bear tooth buttons attached by a piece of leather, These coats arrived in one of two colours, Brown or grey...Or if like me you committed to the big purchase in Summer And had to forgo the sensible decision the following winter as I did, The best that could be expected was a revamp of the old, Something to juice it up And boy this was gonna be orange juice, Freshly squeezed orange juice!
Barely washed, Such was the excitement, I made my way down stairs to the kitchen to be greeted by Noreen Houlihan and Mary McKevitt both of whom worked as house keepers there, As well as acting as surrogate Mothers for me when the need arose, One such occasion was of course arriving home from school My head covered in nits, Out came the horrible oil and the nit comb...No complaints, Just job done! They were always loud and full of chat and gossip as they cleaned, They were their own best audience those two! Fixing my breakfast and smoking cigarettes and cracking jokes All at the same time! I might add.
I took a seat at the kitchen table banging my knee on the way as usual, The damn table was too small for the size of the room, A painful lesson I learnt most mornings,
As I chewed on my toast with a million little eleven year old ideas floating around in my head, anybody watching could be forgiven for thinking I was in a trance, Truth be known I was aware of every little thing within my limited vision, Everything, The brown stains on the gloss paint at ceiling height which would indicate A chip pan fire in recent times, The long stringy black cobweb swaying and devoid of all life for some time now as it hung from the extractor fan over the door, The red fish box on the floor with a dozen giant crabs shuffling about......Wait a minute, The what? In seconds I was there on my knees gazing down in wonder watching them battle for the four corners where I guess it must be instinct, Perhaps the aggression levels are increased there, Hence the saying, Don't back him into a corner! Watching their veiled threats towards each other rising and falling trying to appear larger than life for that split second when the four in the corners were temporarily pushed out and replaced only to push back in like a Physcotic merry go round! I say veiled threats because they had thick rubber bands on their claws so as not to hurt each other!
Now I'm sure that if I could have communicated with these poor fellows and explain the term veiled threat to them, They would probably tell me to fuck off And that the term veiled doesn't apply here, Unless it means Shitting yourself as your hauled up several hundred feet out of the water then thrown about the deck of a boat for hours having your claws tied up chucked in a box Brought to a hotel and put on tonight's menu Then in that case, They were all very veiled indeed!
Never the less they were on tonight's menu, A special request from a group of Dutch anglers staying at the Hotel.
I started to feel sorry for them!
At eleven years old, As a boy anyway, You tend to have the attention span of a monkey chewing on a loaded gun, So by the time I had exited the front door of the Hotel and made the right turn at the Oval bar with the intention of collecting my jacket I had completely forgotten about the giant crabs in the red box, Making my way along the town The sea on my left and the multi coloured buildings to the right, Broken up only on occasion by the odd unkept building where the paint had turned a sickly grey and had begun to bubble and flake, I don't think people noticed as they were too busy smiling and saluting each other, We did that alot back then, It would be somewhat naive of me to say for the average person that there were fewer things to worry about back then,I guess in actual fact we just had less, So we had less to worry about! And certainly for an eleven year old on his birthday, There were no worries!
I entered the Arcade temporarily blinded as my eyes attempted to adjust to the darkness, Quickly recognising the landscape of the shop, It kind of had a magical feel to it with brightly coloured materials hanging from the ceiling height open door presses which stretched to the end of the long narrow room, Chased by a waist high glass cabinet full of brightly coloured ribbons And more buttons than I had ever seen in my life! I was sure there just couldn't be enough button holes in the world to accommodate all these buttons!
The ladies in the shop were lovely and their personalities seemed to suit the location perfectly, They made a bit of a fuss of me pinching my cheek and asking did I have a girlfriend? To which my only reaction was to turn a brighter shade of red than any piece of material they had on the premises,
Even with all the unwanted attention I had to endure My embarrassment would soon be replaced by a sense of pride as I waited for my jacket, And there she was The familiar brown corduroy and yellow stitching the same as I had left it in But the new addition were the bright red badges...Twenty two in all, All perfectly stitched on in no particular pattern, All making reference to Cork in one way or another...They read as follows, Up Cork...Cork is number one, I love Cork And finally Welcome to Cork, Not my favourite to be honest, I mean what if I were wearing the jacket in Kerry or some place like that, Sure I'd look stupid! Reading that back makes me laugh Because of course in my mind then it was that that made me look stupid!
As I left the shop, Shoulders back chin up and very prideful indeed, Like a peacock displaying his wonderful plumage, Picture that opening scene from Saturday night fever, When John Travolta was as he left the hardware store strutting his stuff to the music of the Bee jees smoking a cigarette swinging a tin of paint Almost dancing as he walked, Exuding confidence, Knowing all eye's were on him....Now forget that scene Because I looked nothing like that!
The sad fact is that I wore the jacket But as I walked home I stuck as close to the buildings on my left as I could, like a sheep on a ledge, Head down, Not embarrassed by my new jacket that stuck out, More self conscience as any eleven year old would naturally be, At that age you must never get noticed and draw unwanted attention less you were to incur the wrath of the school yard bullies! Though they were called school yard bullies There was always a chance you could run into them downtown, In which case they then became...Well...Just bullies! I'll include the word just in that term for the simple reason that back then that's exactly what they were, Just bullies!
Today however there's a whole new sinister side to this despicable behaviour As I hear from my daughter on a regular basis, The term is Cyber bullies! Just how lazy doe's one have to be that you wont get off your fat ass and go look for a victim, Cu-do's to bullies I grew up with, At least you showed some initiative!!! Today they sit there barely even able to type with their fat sausage like fingers, Trolling for victims and making up stories, This is what I tell my daughter But more importantly I remind her that all stories have a semblance of truth to them, By that I mean that these cyber bullies are most likely just projecting the things they hate most about themselves onto others! It's called Empowering yourself by dis empowering others! Oh Anus!!!!! I mean Aenus... Aenus Lane's hardware shop on the main street of Cobh is what I meant to say, My father had asked me, even though it was my birthday today To please go to Lanes hardware store and order a couple of large bottles of Calor gas Or he wouldn't be able to cook dinner for the hotel guests, Imagine that, Putting the fate of the inhabitants of the entire hotel in the hands of an eleven year old, I mean what could possibly go wrong?
Anyway...Into anus I went...What, No I mean I slipped into anus...Fuck...Stop!....................................
I walked into Mr Lanes shop And anyone who remembers Will recall A man of 6ft2 to 6ft3 Broad shoulders bursting out of his grey suit, Bald other than the bit of silver on the sides And always had money in his shovel for a hand! As I made my way up the isle past the selection of gas bottles, There must have been forty of them I came to the selection of gas heaters, There were a dozen at least, It struck me, How could this man have Forty bottles of heating gas, twelve gas heaters and still have the coldest shop in Cork! The answer wasn't long coming As I approached the little office off to the side to place an order The door burst open and there he was towering over me Money in hand screaming for the solitary girl on the floor, He looked down and started mumbling something all the while surveying the scene, His mumbling became more pronounced ...Cork... Up Cork...Welcome to...Aaaggh! He turned on his heels and shot back into his office, I was perplexed, what was he talking about, Oh my jacket! I had in that moment of terror completely forgotten about it, As the door closed behind him A waft of warm air hit my face, Warm air from the heater he had on in there, The warm air he worked in while his staff...Well did not!
Leaving the shop I was hit by a brisk march wind, Still it seemed warmer out here and I ended that encounter with a shiver down my spine And away I went.
Reaching the front door of the Hotel I noticed my dads car was not there, Which meant he and Trish my sister were still in Cork buying me a present, Trish was a cool sister to have A couple of years older than me and very striking! I say that now with ease as my age affords me that luxury , But back then she was to me at least Uuggh! Well what do you expect she was my sister, Still she was very much admired by a lot of older boys in town Which in a strange way increased my street cred somewhat And guaranteed me to some extent a level of protection from the afore mentioned bullies!
Listen to me, Street cred and Cobh, You'd swear we live in Fort Apache the Bronx!
I thought I'd wait outside for them to see what it was they had bought for me But my imagination got the better of me As I was watched the fishing boats pass by lynches Quay and went off into world of my own Wondering what it would be like to work on a boat, To catch fish and lobsters and sharks and Crabs, Crabs...Oh my god the CRABS were probably dying in that box that big red box! Suffocating or drowning on fresh air or however they died!
I really felt sorry for them...
I had to do something!!
Before my Father could climb out of the car and stop me I had tipped the big red box on it's side, Watching the crabs slide across each other then across the green weed that covered the slip, Amazingly they all landed upright and without hesitation they were back to the place Whence they came...Blowing bubbles and raising a claw, I like to think to the kid who adored Cork so much He advertised it on his cloths!
When the rollicking finished And my Fathers face turned to it's normal shade of purple He put his arm around me and said...Well I'm glad you took the rubber bands off their claws...
My heart sank.
P's For my birthday I received a grey Duffel coat....Up Cork!
For you Ann O' Brien.
Hope it makes you laugh.
Friday 9 November 2012
Friday 26 October 2012
The five mile hide...
The knock came to the door as I suspected it would, Though i had sweated and fretted all evening praying it never would, But something had told me that this person had been in this position before and was doing one of two things, Maybe He was worried that his dirty little secret was out And his plan of action was to nip it in the bud perhaps apologising for the misunderstanding, believing that my father might reluctantly accept his explanation, not fully understanding what was being implied, Playing on the mixed emotions of what parents back then really wanted to believe,Sure why would he come over and more or less implicate himself in something that I failed to mention over the dinner table, unless of course it was all a big misunderstanding... I don't think there was any neglect on my fathers part, He certainly loved me as much as I love my own daughter, I just think that adults back then were more naive than we are today! I guess they had to make their minds up with less available information to hand, Unlike today with the tap of a button everything you need to know is there! And the more you use this service, The more blurred the facts become, Its not long before the answers you seek become fact, Whether there true or not! But back then parents had much less info to work with, It was OK to drink and drive, Cigarettes were harmless to children in the room, And neighbours didn't try to molest your kids!! Agia, my German Shepard was now standing at the inside porch door losing his mind barking like he was possessed, They do say that dogs are good judges of character,
I hoped this might be enough to drive off the unwelcome caller, I was slow to rise from the kitchen table, Partly because i just did not want to face this...this...absolute horror of a human being, But mostly because earlier that day I had thrown myself from a moving car to prevent myself from being, Well... I guess...Molested!
When i opened the door, I don't know what I expected But I didn't expect him to be smiling, Holding my school bag in his hand and beckoning for me to come outside, I froze looking at him through the outside glass door, Thinking that I should feel safe here, In my house, with my family, On my turf! But I didn't, Now more than ever I felt as vulnerable here trapped in the porch, As I had felt when I was forced earlier that day to throw myself from his moving car to avoid his unwelcome sexual advances, I just stood there uncomfortable, awkward...ashamed In the glass porch, The porch that to him must have from where he was standing resembled a goldfish bowl or worse still a menu board!
When he put his hand on the handle and attempted to open the door, Survival mode kicked in and I pushed open the door behind me, Allowing my now manic snarling German Shepard Agia into the porch, Within a second the glass door was covered in giant paw prints and a white foamy dogs saliva, The side of the dogs face pressed against the window, One eye fixed on the prize! Before that day I had never seen a dog actually bite glass!
Needles to say his attempts to open the door ceased, And I watched his face turn a sickly grey as he realised that he had lost the power, A power that all paedophiles rely on to control their victims!
And believe me now I realise I was a victim, But then there was sense of shame, A shame that makes you feel guilty, A shame that generally plays you right into their hands!
Thankfully as the dog continued with his rant the glass door turned an oppace colour from his breath, Hiding me, Hiding my face, At least hiding my shame!
He layed my bag down outside the door And slowly backed out of the gate, I could barely make out the profile of his grey suit through the foggy glass as he turned and started the engine of his blue renault 5, Which had a very distinct sound to it, Like a piston was misfiring, A sound that over the next year or so of my life, I was to become all too familiar with, As we played cat and mouse on the five mile stretch of road between Cobh and East ferry, A stretch of road I referred to as The five mile hide.
I want to stress that not for a minute do I consider myself a casuallty, Others may over the course of the next few weeks disagree as I attempt to make sense of that whole period of my life, These are true stories that I have shared with only a few people in my life, Week to week I will continue with excerpts from this trying and somewhat damaging period of my life, This is meant to help me, And in the meantime if other people can relate as I tell my story And ultimately expose the perpetrator of these heinous crimes...Well more power to all of us!
Regards Dave.
I hoped this might be enough to drive off the unwelcome caller, I was slow to rise from the kitchen table, Partly because i just did not want to face this...this...absolute horror of a human being, But mostly because earlier that day I had thrown myself from a moving car to prevent myself from being, Well... I guess...Molested!
When i opened the door, I don't know what I expected But I didn't expect him to be smiling, Holding my school bag in his hand and beckoning for me to come outside, I froze looking at him through the outside glass door, Thinking that I should feel safe here, In my house, with my family, On my turf! But I didn't, Now more than ever I felt as vulnerable here trapped in the porch, As I had felt when I was forced earlier that day to throw myself from his moving car to avoid his unwelcome sexual advances, I just stood there uncomfortable, awkward...ashamed In the glass porch, The porch that to him must have from where he was standing resembled a goldfish bowl or worse still a menu board!
When he put his hand on the handle and attempted to open the door, Survival mode kicked in and I pushed open the door behind me, Allowing my now manic snarling German Shepard Agia into the porch, Within a second the glass door was covered in giant paw prints and a white foamy dogs saliva, The side of the dogs face pressed against the window, One eye fixed on the prize! Before that day I had never seen a dog actually bite glass!
Needles to say his attempts to open the door ceased, And I watched his face turn a sickly grey as he realised that he had lost the power, A power that all paedophiles rely on to control their victims!
And believe me now I realise I was a victim, But then there was sense of shame, A shame that makes you feel guilty, A shame that generally plays you right into their hands!
Thankfully as the dog continued with his rant the glass door turned an oppace colour from his breath, Hiding me, Hiding my face, At least hiding my shame!
He layed my bag down outside the door And slowly backed out of the gate, I could barely make out the profile of his grey suit through the foggy glass as he turned and started the engine of his blue renault 5, Which had a very distinct sound to it, Like a piston was misfiring, A sound that over the next year or so of my life, I was to become all too familiar with, As we played cat and mouse on the five mile stretch of road between Cobh and East ferry, A stretch of road I referred to as The five mile hide.
I want to stress that not for a minute do I consider myself a casuallty, Others may over the course of the next few weeks disagree as I attempt to make sense of that whole period of my life, These are true stories that I have shared with only a few people in my life, Week to week I will continue with excerpts from this trying and somewhat damaging period of my life, This is meant to help me, And in the meantime if other people can relate as I tell my story And ultimately expose the perpetrator of these heinous crimes...Well more power to all of us!
Regards Dave.
Tuesday 8 May 2012
There is no end to this story...
I guess I shouldn't feel guilty But the look I was getting from two old dears, Well lets just say daggers! But up until then I had been oblivious to them, Nattering away passing remarks about anyone they could clap their eyes on, looking for a reason to have an opinion on anyone who didn't meet their high standards of whats right and wrong, I started to feel a bit self conscious as their voices dropped a bit as I approached but I still picked up the jist of it...Look at yer man, Look at the way he parked sure he almost fell over gettin out of the van And sure look he cant walk straight....Someone should call the Guards on him He's pissed with the drink!
Sometimes I'm confounded to see that people think that its perfectly acceptable to insult and judge others based on a hunch, Now when I was younger things like this would just be like water off a ducks back And I would have said nothing or more likely i wouldn't have known what to say, But I think as you get older you've got so much more to say, A better command of the English language if you like! Even though it appears no one really wants to hear what you say, never the less my opinion will be heard! So I stopped and addressed the situation, I explained to them that I have Parkinsons disease and that sometimes I find it difficult to move freely, And that if they were concerned they could have simply asked what was wrong and I would have explained, They're response was one of confusion, I got a perturbed look from one, A pause...And then quick as you like, Isn't that what yer man Mickey little fella off dat film back to de past had?...You know yer man with de flyin car! I could hardly contain the laughter as I corrected her That it was actually Michael J Fox and the film was back to the future!She looked puzzled and said We thought you were drunk And we didn't want to be rude, I laughed said my goodbyes and turned to head across the street to the Stillorgan shopping centre and Pondering their thought process, We were talking about you behind your back as we didn't want to be rude! Is that just an Irish thing? No surely its just a human thing! Who knows...
Its great to see that tesco's have remodelled their store, Still a little bit on the small size But at least they seem to have utilised the limited space they had putting it to better use, I don't wish to sound disabled but being symptomatic with Parkinsons can happen at any moment, And usually that would be likely when you're shopping in a place like this, Where the isles were too narrow and were generally cluttered up with recently delivered boxes any day of the week, Which might suggest they were short of storage space. But first I had to head to the Post office to grab a stamp for the blue envelope I held in my hand which contained a ticket with three stars exposed on it, For the show Winning streak...My god the least you can win is ten grand...How bad! Now I don't generally get so excited about such things, As I don't usually purchase these tickets, Maybe I should...get excited a bit more I mean! Maybe have more of an air of expectancy, Don't they say expecting it opens the door to receiving it!! Or words to that effect, No it was kindly purchased by a relation of my brother in law Paul and given to his wife Margaret, My sister, Now it wouldn't be fair to Margaret to mention that she first scratched the card to see if she had won any money...She hadn't, And then gave the card to me...She did! Fair or not I've mentioned it...Sorry Marg,
Hold tough though, The story gets a wee bit more interesting While walking to the post office which is directly under Brambles bistro at the far end of the centre, Someone put their arms around me from behind and squeezed, After my initial shock when I realised I wasn't being mugged I relaxed and the person let go, When I turned I was surprised to see my fourteen year old daughter Emily Jade standing there, With her hair plaided on one side of her head and the other side hanging down freely, An odd symmetry but it worked on her! Her ray bans which she assured me have made a come back hanging off the end of her nose so she was looking up at me with those puppy dog eyes, Its about now that I usually start reaching for cash, She never asks for it, But i feel like i have to give her everything all the time, I guess that's the effect that teenager girls have on their fathers! I suspect we know it wont be long till that someone, more age appropriate, Cute and sooooo cool captures their attentions! At least temporarily, Until eventually she gets her little heart broken And all I will want to do is sort it...But I guess I know that will be the domain of her Mother! For the moment at least I'll take any attention i can get! Already I can see a look of regret on her face, Shes now wondering was it such a good idea to have made herself known, Should she have instead quietly slipped past me and said nothing, Its just that there is an air of awkwardness about our meetings now, Never since I was her age have i felt so out of place or indeed awkward, Remembering how as a juvenile overflowing with testosterone My friends and I would compete for the attentions of a girl we liked Which usually meant holding court with her friends as well, Entertaining them all equally but making her best friend who would usually be sitting next to her, laugh only as much as she was laughing herself, Any more and you would be guilty of flirting, Any less and you were subject to the eyes rolling in her head and a look of disdain that only girls know how to deliver! And then you knew you blew it! While I never yet received those eyes from Emily, Not that I'm aware of anyway, The simple fact is and I'm going to educate all Fathers out there who's daughters have yet to reach the age of fourteen...I'm 46...She's fourteen...Everything I say is boring, Everything she says comes out of Justin Biebers...Or at least the depressed, skinny and mopey girl from Twilights mouth!
It's an age thing, It also a Father-Daughter thing that has been going on long before I got here, And no doubt will continue long after I leave!
I guess the lesson for me here is that relationships change and improve, Whether it be the few muddled moments spent in the company of those two old ladies or lifetime I will spend loving my daughter And at times understanding that on occasions it will be unrequited love!
Sometimes I'm confounded to see that people think that its perfectly acceptable to insult and judge others based on a hunch, Now when I was younger things like this would just be like water off a ducks back And I would have said nothing or more likely i wouldn't have known what to say, But I think as you get older you've got so much more to say, A better command of the English language if you like! Even though it appears no one really wants to hear what you say, never the less my opinion will be heard! So I stopped and addressed the situation, I explained to them that I have Parkinsons disease and that sometimes I find it difficult to move freely, And that if they were concerned they could have simply asked what was wrong and I would have explained, They're response was one of confusion, I got a perturbed look from one, A pause...And then quick as you like, Isn't that what yer man Mickey little fella off dat film back to de past had?...You know yer man with de flyin car! I could hardly contain the laughter as I corrected her That it was actually Michael J Fox and the film was back to the future!She looked puzzled and said We thought you were drunk And we didn't want to be rude, I laughed said my goodbyes and turned to head across the street to the Stillorgan shopping centre and Pondering their thought process, We were talking about you behind your back as we didn't want to be rude! Is that just an Irish thing? No surely its just a human thing! Who knows...
Its great to see that tesco's have remodelled their store, Still a little bit on the small size But at least they seem to have utilised the limited space they had putting it to better use, I don't wish to sound disabled but being symptomatic with Parkinsons can happen at any moment, And usually that would be likely when you're shopping in a place like this, Where the isles were too narrow and were generally cluttered up with recently delivered boxes any day of the week, Which might suggest they were short of storage space. But first I had to head to the Post office to grab a stamp for the blue envelope I held in my hand which contained a ticket with three stars exposed on it, For the show Winning streak...My god the least you can win is ten grand...How bad! Now I don't generally get so excited about such things, As I don't usually purchase these tickets, Maybe I should...get excited a bit more I mean! Maybe have more of an air of expectancy, Don't they say expecting it opens the door to receiving it!! Or words to that effect, No it was kindly purchased by a relation of my brother in law Paul and given to his wife Margaret, My sister, Now it wouldn't be fair to Margaret to mention that she first scratched the card to see if she had won any money...She hadn't, And then gave the card to me...She did! Fair or not I've mentioned it...Sorry Marg,
Hold tough though, The story gets a wee bit more interesting While walking to the post office which is directly under Brambles bistro at the far end of the centre, Someone put their arms around me from behind and squeezed, After my initial shock when I realised I wasn't being mugged I relaxed and the person let go, When I turned I was surprised to see my fourteen year old daughter Emily Jade standing there, With her hair plaided on one side of her head and the other side hanging down freely, An odd symmetry but it worked on her! Her ray bans which she assured me have made a come back hanging off the end of her nose so she was looking up at me with those puppy dog eyes, Its about now that I usually start reaching for cash, She never asks for it, But i feel like i have to give her everything all the time, I guess that's the effect that teenager girls have on their fathers! I suspect we know it wont be long till that someone, more age appropriate, Cute and sooooo cool captures their attentions! At least temporarily, Until eventually she gets her little heart broken And all I will want to do is sort it...But I guess I know that will be the domain of her Mother! For the moment at least I'll take any attention i can get! Already I can see a look of regret on her face, Shes now wondering was it such a good idea to have made herself known, Should she have instead quietly slipped past me and said nothing, Its just that there is an air of awkwardness about our meetings now, Never since I was her age have i felt so out of place or indeed awkward, Remembering how as a juvenile overflowing with testosterone My friends and I would compete for the attentions of a girl we liked Which usually meant holding court with her friends as well, Entertaining them all equally but making her best friend who would usually be sitting next to her, laugh only as much as she was laughing herself, Any more and you would be guilty of flirting, Any less and you were subject to the eyes rolling in her head and a look of disdain that only girls know how to deliver! And then you knew you blew it! While I never yet received those eyes from Emily, Not that I'm aware of anyway, The simple fact is and I'm going to educate all Fathers out there who's daughters have yet to reach the age of fourteen...I'm 46...She's fourteen...Everything I say is boring, Everything she says comes out of Justin Biebers...Or at least the depressed, skinny and mopey girl from Twilights mouth!
It's an age thing, It also a Father-Daughter thing that has been going on long before I got here, And no doubt will continue long after I leave!
I guess the lesson for me here is that relationships change and improve, Whether it be the few muddled moments spent in the company of those two old ladies or lifetime I will spend loving my daughter And at times understanding that on occasions it will be unrequited love!
Tuesday 1 May 2012
Thursday 26 April 2012
Time to call it quits........
AGIA.....AGIIIAAAA....Here boy! then there was silence, I'd listen intently as the last of my voice would echo back at me, standing in a half perched stance with my hands cupped around my ears, centred on the crossroads at Belgrove east ferry, Placed squarely between Sean Hollands farm and Dinny sheehans facing our house at the bottom of the hill! The hill my Father used to use to start the car! And usually because of the stillness of the nights it wouldn't take long to recognise the change in the air, hearing Agia approaching across damp fields at great speed, his heavy paws, bigger than most could be heard and then felt through the ground! I was wondering had i dreamt him, Was I just imagining the sound? Out of desperation and anguish for the absence of a young boys companion, Nay friend...Possibly BEST FRIEND! It had been two days now, Not like him to be gone so long... I sat...whistled called again,,,and nothing!
We waited at the pitch cold crossroads being harassed by the fairies as they flew just out of view, some bold enough to chance a touch of our hair causing me to flail my arms wildly, This was usually enough to drive them off! They would disappear making a bee line for the Oak tree bordering Butlers farm, A huge tree that seemed to unfairly dominate the evening skyline! A tree that is believed to have sucked in daylight, More likely it just easily blocked out the light due to its size, But yes the nights drew in quicker because of that tree!
As the wind had picked up hearing anything was going to be tough! And the lads decided it was late and perhaps time to consider giving up the search for the night, I think they sensed perhaps it was a fruitless search, Here were four young boys on the hunt for a dog that was in dog years anyway, Older than us combined! The truth be known Dogs that went missing in the country side usually suffered a cruel but similar fate at the hands of a local farmer, Something I think they silently suspected but were reluctant to suggest!....And I was thankful for that.
I did what my friend later told me was very dangerous, I made my way to the woods on Butlers land...Their first objection was that its not safe what with the ferocious dog Jet, Agia knew jet personally, He had had a few gladiatorial schrimishes with him since we lived there,I'm not sure who had won because usually I would turn and run at the very start of these battles for fear that if Agia were to somehow lose, Jet might then turn his attentions to me! He was a competent foe, Jet, black as his name would suggest, Unusually long white fangs that he had no problem bearing, Yes we had had several encounters in the past and I suspected we may yet have more! I hoped!! Not that that worried me right now, it was there next move that chilled my spine....Daavvve...Their Orange men! theeiiir kiinnng billies boys!
Gotta say, totally lost on me, Other than I knew they were refering to the Butlers form of religion...I had lived in the States for the formative years, so i knew nothing of
"Orange king billy" Or Protestants either! The only reference I had heard back home was the term, White Anglo Saxon Protestants..Or wasps for short, Not nice...But not too defamatory! No it was in that ghostly tone that boys use on you as its getting dark and you've committed to the chase in the woods And you get that sinking feeling when you realise that they are actually heading home now!! Ya that's where the chill in my spine began! When I realised I was alone...
As I reluctantly pushed on through the woods I could still hear the lads screaming like Banshees, But they were too far away to have an ill effect, Until eventually and quite comically they started singing By the rivers of Babylon by Boney M? I Think! How weird now...but different times then, I guess,
And until I could hear them no more I was relatively safe, I don't know how that logic works as they were too far away to hear me not alone to help! But for me it worked!
I immediately became aware of more fairies swooping down using their sonar clicks to pass inches over my head, I don't know why we called them fairies and not Bats, Probably just some childish remark spoken then repeated by another and both laying claim to it as it seemed to quite please a girl in their company, So it stuck!
I continued deeper in until to be honest it was pitch black and I could see very little, Only as the moon on occasions was freed of its embrace by the clouds that seemed to be running across the night sky, Through the shards of moon light that flashed through the trees I could I thought make out a figure of a person in front of me and then there were two, three,ten....too many to count! They were making their way towards me arms extended, Shuffling, Moaning... My eyes closed involuntarily clamped shut, I couldn't,t open them even if I wanted too, My feet were stuck to the muddy ground, I couldn't run The chills literally ran the lenght of my spine finishing in my hair line on the back of my neck like boney fingers..........
Isn't the child's imagination a glorious thing, Of course when I did manage to open my eyes I realised I was alone, Time to call it quits for the night, As two days of missing in action was turning to three I made my way home out of the woods through the ploughed field that led to a gap in the hedge directly opposite my front door, The closer I got the more secure I felt, As I placed my foot on the wall with the intention of jumping past the nettles on the road side, I looked down and my heart sank...... My search was over...............
We waited at the pitch cold crossroads being harassed by the fairies as they flew just out of view, some bold enough to chance a touch of our hair causing me to flail my arms wildly, This was usually enough to drive them off! They would disappear making a bee line for the Oak tree bordering Butlers farm, A huge tree that seemed to unfairly dominate the evening skyline! A tree that is believed to have sucked in daylight, More likely it just easily blocked out the light due to its size, But yes the nights drew in quicker because of that tree!
As the wind had picked up hearing anything was going to be tough! And the lads decided it was late and perhaps time to consider giving up the search for the night, I think they sensed perhaps it was a fruitless search, Here were four young boys on the hunt for a dog that was in dog years anyway, Older than us combined! The truth be known Dogs that went missing in the country side usually suffered a cruel but similar fate at the hands of a local farmer, Something I think they silently suspected but were reluctant to suggest!....And I was thankful for that.
I did what my friend later told me was very dangerous, I made my way to the woods on Butlers land...Their first objection was that its not safe what with the ferocious dog Jet, Agia knew jet personally, He had had a few gladiatorial schrimishes with him since we lived there,I'm not sure who had won because usually I would turn and run at the very start of these battles for fear that if Agia were to somehow lose, Jet might then turn his attentions to me! He was a competent foe, Jet, black as his name would suggest, Unusually long white fangs that he had no problem bearing, Yes we had had several encounters in the past and I suspected we may yet have more! I hoped!! Not that that worried me right now, it was there next move that chilled my spine....Daavvve...Their Orange men! theeiiir kiinnng billies boys!
Gotta say, totally lost on me, Other than I knew they were refering to the Butlers form of religion...I had lived in the States for the formative years, so i knew nothing of
"Orange king billy" Or Protestants either! The only reference I had heard back home was the term, White Anglo Saxon Protestants..Or wasps for short, Not nice...But not too defamatory! No it was in that ghostly tone that boys use on you as its getting dark and you've committed to the chase in the woods And you get that sinking feeling when you realise that they are actually heading home now!! Ya that's where the chill in my spine began! When I realised I was alone...
As I reluctantly pushed on through the woods I could still hear the lads screaming like Banshees, But they were too far away to have an ill effect, Until eventually and quite comically they started singing By the rivers of Babylon by Boney M? I Think! How weird now...but different times then, I guess,
And until I could hear them no more I was relatively safe, I don't know how that logic works as they were too far away to hear me not alone to help! But for me it worked!
I immediately became aware of more fairies swooping down using their sonar clicks to pass inches over my head, I don't know why we called them fairies and not Bats, Probably just some childish remark spoken then repeated by another and both laying claim to it as it seemed to quite please a girl in their company, So it stuck!
I continued deeper in until to be honest it was pitch black and I could see very little, Only as the moon on occasions was freed of its embrace by the clouds that seemed to be running across the night sky, Through the shards of moon light that flashed through the trees I could I thought make out a figure of a person in front of me and then there were two, three,ten....too many to count! They were making their way towards me arms extended, Shuffling, Moaning... My eyes closed involuntarily clamped shut, I couldn't,t open them even if I wanted too, My feet were stuck to the muddy ground, I couldn't run The chills literally ran the lenght of my spine finishing in my hair line on the back of my neck like boney fingers..........
Isn't the child's imagination a glorious thing, Of course when I did manage to open my eyes I realised I was alone, Time to call it quits for the night, As two days of missing in action was turning to three I made my way home out of the woods through the ploughed field that led to a gap in the hedge directly opposite my front door, The closer I got the more secure I felt, As I placed my foot on the wall with the intention of jumping past the nettles on the road side, I looked down and my heart sank...... My search was over...............
Wednesday 18 April 2012
Six paychecks away...
I regret to inform you that your application for disability has been declined And the reason for this is that we have no money to give you And we would be grateful if you would just fuck off and die!....Preferably some where on a beach below the tidal line so you would just wash out to sea!
Yours sincerely
A horrible disgusting person.
Now I'm sure by now you've figured out what portion of this letter is fact and whats fiction, But I'm just trying to convey the impact this would have on someone if they were entirely dependant on the paltry payment of one hundred and eighty euro per week, due to a disability of some sort, No this is not my position yet And I stress yet because as I'm painfully aware the eventual outcome of this disease is as individual as the individual themselves!
I rested the letter on the glass table in the kitchen and let out a sigh, Not of frustration, More of acceptance, I knew three months ago when I was filling out the several different forms your required to complete before they will consider your application, That I wasn't going to get a happy reply, I wouldn't call it negative thinking, You know I'm not a negative person! But that last comment alone would imply that i am by virtue of the fact that I used the word not...or is it the word negative?...I don't know...I'm confused!..........Ok Lets just call it the opposite of positive and be done with it!!
Now I work everyday as you do, I get up in the morning I iron a shirt, I shower and shave I get dressed and I arrive at work for the most part in good form.....But this is where the similarities end! The tingling sensation starts in my left foot as well as in my fingers Which quickly turns to cramps and stiffness, Not just confined to just these regions It rapidly spreads through out my entire body, Rendering me quite useless,Then comes the confusion... I lose some of my ability to reason where the simplest of tasks become nai on impossible! I can feel the tablet I took an hour ago still trapped in my throat, No matter how much water i drink it wont shift , I suspect it could be a residue of ex smokers mucus, Something that's not pleasant to ponder but I'm told that can last for years! So until the meds reach my stomach and has a chance to dissolve, There will be no relief from my symptoms. An hour or so later,
About the time the second or third table is filled for lunch I can feel a reprieve coming, I really mean it just seems to literally wash over me over the course of ten minutes loosening everything up, Do you remember that scene in Forest Gump when he's being chased by the bullies in a truck and he can barely run But as the leg braces start to fall off piece by piece his speed increases until he's out of sight and their left scratching their heads! Well that's me! And while I will avail of this wonderful reprieve schlepping from table to table smiling and exchanging short exaggerated stories with the customers almost like a game of mine's bigger than yours...I always let them win...The tips are always better that way! I know that I'll be back in the same boat in about two hours or so, Maybe three if I'm really lucky But then I run the danger of running out of steam completely if its left too long, With a long recovery after medicating for the second time today.
I do wonder whats to become of me, If the job or rather jobs were to go, What then? Its been made completely clear by the lovely lady at the department of social protection That while she didn't wish to be physicas or didactic...OK I added that in, Just wanted her to sound like a complete tosser! She wasn't...She was quite lovely. No I wonder at what stage of losing my job do I have to vacate my rented apartment, Id suggest that it could be what I refer to as the six paycheck rule, Most people will have in their bank account the equivalent of six weeks pay,Now that figure is determined by the obvious, How big was your paycheck!! The bigger the check the better your doing! For some of us however it would be a rather quick fall from grace,And I'd have to with all my possessions
move into the jeep I own which is off the road as I cant afford to tax it! So I'd be forced to park outside the bective clubhouse in Donnybrook, Where I know there would be a hot shower and a gym to help fight the symptoms of Parkinsons! And of course there would be several shops and restaurants to eat at..................Oh no! I forgot, I'm not entitled to any disability payments or help!
I stick by this 6 paycheck rule, I had met plenty of people in the USA last year in a similar position...
This is more their story than ours...But it could end up being ours too one day
Not so much a short story this time...More of a short fact!
I don't who said this but it makes sense... Society shall be judged by it's treatment of
the elderly, The inferm And the vulnerable!
for you Aoife.
Yours sincerely
A horrible disgusting person.
Now I'm sure by now you've figured out what portion of this letter is fact and whats fiction, But I'm just trying to convey the impact this would have on someone if they were entirely dependant on the paltry payment of one hundred and eighty euro per week, due to a disability of some sort, No this is not my position yet And I stress yet because as I'm painfully aware the eventual outcome of this disease is as individual as the individual themselves!
I rested the letter on the glass table in the kitchen and let out a sigh, Not of frustration, More of acceptance, I knew three months ago when I was filling out the several different forms your required to complete before they will consider your application, That I wasn't going to get a happy reply, I wouldn't call it negative thinking, You know I'm not a negative person! But that last comment alone would imply that i am by virtue of the fact that I used the word not...or is it the word negative?...I don't know...I'm confused!..........Ok Lets just call it the opposite of positive and be done with it!!
Now I work everyday as you do, I get up in the morning I iron a shirt, I shower and shave I get dressed and I arrive at work for the most part in good form.....But this is where the similarities end! The tingling sensation starts in my left foot as well as in my fingers Which quickly turns to cramps and stiffness, Not just confined to just these regions It rapidly spreads through out my entire body, Rendering me quite useless,Then comes the confusion... I lose some of my ability to reason where the simplest of tasks become nai on impossible! I can feel the tablet I took an hour ago still trapped in my throat, No matter how much water i drink it wont shift , I suspect it could be a residue of ex smokers mucus, Something that's not pleasant to ponder but I'm told that can last for years! So until the meds reach my stomach and has a chance to dissolve, There will be no relief from my symptoms. An hour or so later,
About the time the second or third table is filled for lunch I can feel a reprieve coming, I really mean it just seems to literally wash over me over the course of ten minutes loosening everything up, Do you remember that scene in Forest Gump when he's being chased by the bullies in a truck and he can barely run But as the leg braces start to fall off piece by piece his speed increases until he's out of sight and their left scratching their heads! Well that's me! And while I will avail of this wonderful reprieve schlepping from table to table smiling and exchanging short exaggerated stories with the customers almost like a game of mine's bigger than yours...I always let them win...The tips are always better that way! I know that I'll be back in the same boat in about two hours or so, Maybe three if I'm really lucky But then I run the danger of running out of steam completely if its left too long, With a long recovery after medicating for the second time today.
I do wonder whats to become of me, If the job or rather jobs were to go, What then? Its been made completely clear by the lovely lady at the department of social protection That while she didn't wish to be physicas or didactic...OK I added that in, Just wanted her to sound like a complete tosser! She wasn't...She was quite lovely. No I wonder at what stage of losing my job do I have to vacate my rented apartment, Id suggest that it could be what I refer to as the six paycheck rule, Most people will have in their bank account the equivalent of six weeks pay,Now that figure is determined by the obvious, How big was your paycheck!! The bigger the check the better your doing! For some of us however it would be a rather quick fall from grace,And I'd have to with all my possessions
move into the jeep I own which is off the road as I cant afford to tax it! So I'd be forced to park outside the bective clubhouse in Donnybrook, Where I know there would be a hot shower and a gym to help fight the symptoms of Parkinsons! And of course there would be several shops and restaurants to eat at..................Oh no! I forgot, I'm not entitled to any disability payments or help!
I stick by this 6 paycheck rule, I had met plenty of people in the USA last year in a similar position...
This is more their story than ours...But it could end up being ours too one day
Not so much a short story this time...More of a short fact!
I don't who said this but it makes sense... Society shall be judged by it's treatment of
the elderly, The inferm And the vulnerable!
for you Aoife.
Sunday 15 April 2012
Romeo's home...
Cothrells row is treacherous at the best of times, I couldn't tell you off the top of my head the exact degree of the slope,But what I can tell you is that if you attempted to run down this hill at full belt you wouldn't make it to the bottom, On your feet Anyway! I know this from personal experience, I've got the scars to prove it! Sufficed to say it was very steep, Now add into the equation a broken ankle covered in plaster and a pair of crutches with the rubber things at the bottom worn out, So much so that on a good day on a flat surface at speed I could create sparks, but not here, This hill was to be given the utmost respect At least until the steps leading down the side of Carrs shop, As I gingerly made my way down the uneven steps having to compensate for the difference in height of each one, Who ever coined the phrase The don't make em like they used Would if they saw these steps add to that...Thank fuck!
On the last step I'd have to stall and poke my head around the corner to see if the old man and his work colleague Willy Glanville were by chance heading down to the Pilot boat at the camber to head out to pick up or drop off a pilot to one of the many ships in the harbour, I decided to have a smoke while I waited, appreciating the beauty of Cork harbour as the sun rose and burnt off the slight haze that hung over Spike island.
My thoughts wandered to the slight whiff of perfume left on my shirt as a result a very close encounter earlier that morning with a young American girl named...No she shall remain nameless, It wouldn't be right! I wondered was she thinking of me at that moment? She probably was, No I know she was because only two hour ago we declared our undying love for each other in the throws of what at the time seemed like the greatest love scene ever played out, In hindsight I'm sure I've seen dogs make a better job of it out side the BMC stores down town, But what did I know, I was sixteen!
While I had been standing there day dreaming I had failed to notice the car pull up in front of me, The familiar face of Willy Glanville looking at me with that cheeky grin he has, Alright Dave how are you? He knew well how I was..., I was fucked! I thought....you were...My dad...the boat...What? I couldn't string a sentence together, Only a couple of hours ago I was the velvet tongued Romeo who couldn't put a foot wrong, The only thing that could be worse right now was if I pissed my pants, Thankfully I didn't!...That I recall, About then Willy pipes up, No it was very quiet so your Dad left early, He's at home And sure I'm away now as Paddy arrived in early ,Good luck....And he drove off, I had a rock in my belly, What the fuck was I going to do?
I made the last forty metres last a life time, Knowing that it would be a long time before I was let out again, The only consolation was that the American girl was flying back home that day so I wasn't inclined to miss any Mills and Boone moments, with her anyway! God, Now that I read that back I can understand why women think men are pigs! But as I said earlier I was sixteen...So what did I know? As I approached the door I could see that the key was in the lock, Today that might be an indicator that someone leaving the house had forgotten something and had slipped back in for a moment, Not generally the case back then As I recall there were numerous times the key stayed in the door all day, Whether you were at home or not! The curtains were closed but I could see the light was on as they never no matter what you did quite closed flush, Ha I knew what he was up to, He'd baited the trap, I bet he had closed the living room door so as not let any light shine through the glass panels on the front door And he thought I'd quietly turn the key and attempt to creep upstairs, Which to be fair I'd done before But never with a broken ankle! But my plan was even more ingenious And daring, I would shinny up the sewage pipe on the side of the house making my way in through the upstairs bathroom window which I knew had a broken lock! And step into the bath And from there all I had to do was open the door and literally my bedroom was right there, All the while holding my crutches! Surprisingly it wasn't that difficult, I reached the ledge about fifteen feet up and slid the window down, Now this was the difficult part having to get the broken ankle in first as there was no traction on the bottom of the cast, So no grip and it also changed my centre of gravity, Again not that hard! Now get the other leg in, Done! Now I'm sitting on the open window with it pressing against my lower back, Quite uncomfortable But I knew there was only one more move And I was in like Flynn! I pushed hard scarping and hurting my back a bit and as I touched down I prematurely congratulated myself,And then... WTF!! I instinctively knew what it was as it filled both my cast and my shoe together but I still got a shock as only freezing cold water can shock you, No disrespect meant but I guess this was my titanic moment, It snatches your breath right out of your chest and immediately your knees lock out turning your legs into stilts...Stilts with a cast on the end! Stilts with a cast on the end with no traction!!! And I was under, Even with my head submerged I could hear the displaced water splash on the bathroom floor with a thump, Which meant that so had my Father! And as I surfaced still in shock, I could see his face smiling And I watched his lips moving hearing the words welcome home Romeo....Oh and your grounded!
For you Dad...
On the last step I'd have to stall and poke my head around the corner to see if the old man and his work colleague Willy Glanville were by chance heading down to the Pilot boat at the camber to head out to pick up or drop off a pilot to one of the many ships in the harbour, I decided to have a smoke while I waited, appreciating the beauty of Cork harbour as the sun rose and burnt off the slight haze that hung over Spike island.
My thoughts wandered to the slight whiff of perfume left on my shirt as a result a very close encounter earlier that morning with a young American girl named...No she shall remain nameless, It wouldn't be right! I wondered was she thinking of me at that moment? She probably was, No I know she was because only two hour ago we declared our undying love for each other in the throws of what at the time seemed like the greatest love scene ever played out, In hindsight I'm sure I've seen dogs make a better job of it out side the BMC stores down town, But what did I know, I was sixteen!
While I had been standing there day dreaming I had failed to notice the car pull up in front of me, The familiar face of Willy Glanville looking at me with that cheeky grin he has, Alright Dave how are you? He knew well how I was..., I was fucked! I thought....you were...My dad...the boat...What? I couldn't string a sentence together, Only a couple of hours ago I was the velvet tongued Romeo who couldn't put a foot wrong, The only thing that could be worse right now was if I pissed my pants, Thankfully I didn't!...That I recall, About then Willy pipes up, No it was very quiet so your Dad left early, He's at home And sure I'm away now as Paddy arrived in early ,Good luck....And he drove off, I had a rock in my belly, What the fuck was I going to do?
I made the last forty metres last a life time, Knowing that it would be a long time before I was let out again, The only consolation was that the American girl was flying back home that day so I wasn't inclined to miss any Mills and Boone moments, with her anyway! God, Now that I read that back I can understand why women think men are pigs! But as I said earlier I was sixteen...So what did I know? As I approached the door I could see that the key was in the lock, Today that might be an indicator that someone leaving the house had forgotten something and had slipped back in for a moment, Not generally the case back then As I recall there were numerous times the key stayed in the door all day, Whether you were at home or not! The curtains were closed but I could see the light was on as they never no matter what you did quite closed flush, Ha I knew what he was up to, He'd baited the trap, I bet he had closed the living room door so as not let any light shine through the glass panels on the front door And he thought I'd quietly turn the key and attempt to creep upstairs, Which to be fair I'd done before But never with a broken ankle! But my plan was even more ingenious And daring, I would shinny up the sewage pipe on the side of the house making my way in through the upstairs bathroom window which I knew had a broken lock! And step into the bath And from there all I had to do was open the door and literally my bedroom was right there, All the while holding my crutches! Surprisingly it wasn't that difficult, I reached the ledge about fifteen feet up and slid the window down, Now this was the difficult part having to get the broken ankle in first as there was no traction on the bottom of the cast, So no grip and it also changed my centre of gravity, Again not that hard! Now get the other leg in, Done! Now I'm sitting on the open window with it pressing against my lower back, Quite uncomfortable But I knew there was only one more move And I was in like Flynn! I pushed hard scarping and hurting my back a bit and as I touched down I prematurely congratulated myself,And then... WTF!! I instinctively knew what it was as it filled both my cast and my shoe together but I still got a shock as only freezing cold water can shock you, No disrespect meant but I guess this was my titanic moment, It snatches your breath right out of your chest and immediately your knees lock out turning your legs into stilts...Stilts with a cast on the end! Stilts with a cast on the end with no traction!!! And I was under, Even with my head submerged I could hear the displaced water splash on the bathroom floor with a thump, Which meant that so had my Father! And as I surfaced still in shock, I could see his face smiling And I watched his lips moving hearing the words welcome home Romeo....Oh and your grounded!
For you Dad...
Wednesday 11 April 2012
Vanity out the window...
I need you to stop talking and listen to what I'm about to tell you, I felt like a child being scolded in the church on a Sunday morning, Being discreetly poked and prodded by a sibling till eventually you swing recklessly in the general direction of your tormentor, Only to find the target you struck is much bigger and Is your Mother and has the authority to grab you by the wrist and tan your hide as everyone around you laughs
At your obvious blunder,There was nobody else laughing here, Except strangely enough me!
I'm sitting on an examination table in a hospital But not the type you find in an accident and emergency, Therese no blood on the floor, No multi coloured plastic chairs from the eighties long past their sell by date And certainly no drunks or junkies standing in in such a manner, usually in a corner, That defies the laws of physics, Eyes closed, drooling, arms kind of doing their own thing And all their weight seems to be on one toe! Amazing to watch How do they not fall over? Nobody knows, Its something my friend Pat refers to as Junkie Thai chi! No this was a sterile environment, Grey paint on the walls, grey doors and even some grey faces! Everything was so devoid of life, Not a plant or flower in the waiting room, I was later told that, That's to ensure anybody with allergies doesn't sneeze... Listen, There are only three reasons that you could be in this room today, One is Parkinson's, So your kinda fucked, Then Therese MS Which means you will be fucked up...And the third is Motor Neuron, Which means your completely fucked!!! So I don't think an occasional sneeze is gonna wreck my day! One of the grey faces there was the receptionist, Young Not unpretty! But looks like shes sucking a lemon when, Greet would be a strong word, Processes you would be apt.
You've got Parkinson's disease! JUST LIKE THAT, I suppose Therese no nice way to tell someone that they've got an Incurable, Progressive illness that over the years will rob you of your movement, Your speech your very essence, And we don't know what causes it or why or how you got it And that you should take this medication which may not work at all, And if it does There will be real nasty side effects, MABY! And in the meantime you should just get on with your life, As best you can! Of course.
I kind of felt sorry for the neurologist, Imagine being an expert in your field, Yet having no answers, Ones you knew to be truthful and certain anyway...Kind of like being a politician I guess! For less pay. Well backhanded perks anyway!
Twenty minutes later I'm sitting in my car outside my apartment, It was that quick, I'm on the phone to Rebbeca Murray, My boss But more importantly my friend, I'm coming over, Please don't, I need some time alone,Some time to think, some time to possibly cry...I don't know for sure, But until i got the action correct I'm on my own! after a bit of debate she reluctantly agreed.
The next month or so was what I referred to as the thirty days of tears! There were and really are no organisations who can really help, I mean really help, But Therese a little ray of light for PD sufferers who want to talk, If your that way inclined, What I'm discovering about PD is that you can suffer hugely from depression And i think I'm stating the obvious is That if you suffer from Depression You probably don't want to talk!!The ray of light i mentioned would be a small organisation who are completely patient oriented, Because they too suffer from PD, There called Move4parkinsons.com
I very quickly had to get hold of my condition So as not to let it take hold too soon, I was and am fighting it every day, so between the gym,bike and medication I get good hours of quality of life!
So when it works these little dopamine tablets they can boost my levels slowly and in a kind of jerky fashion, by this i mean Therese no fluidity in my movement And my thoughts are always foggy, Losing my train of thought very easily...But when it wears off its crash time!...Complete stiffness, cant talk, cant breath, pins and needles in my hands and feet, No balance and no coordination.
And vanity goes out the window!
I try to time the meds as best I can but its not easy, And as a result Ican find myself reverting back to the thirty days of tears!
The upside is that I'm loved!
At your obvious blunder,There was nobody else laughing here, Except strangely enough me!
I'm sitting on an examination table in a hospital But not the type you find in an accident and emergency, Therese no blood on the floor, No multi coloured plastic chairs from the eighties long past their sell by date And certainly no drunks or junkies standing in in such a manner, usually in a corner, That defies the laws of physics, Eyes closed, drooling, arms kind of doing their own thing And all their weight seems to be on one toe! Amazing to watch How do they not fall over? Nobody knows, Its something my friend Pat refers to as Junkie Thai chi! No this was a sterile environment, Grey paint on the walls, grey doors and even some grey faces! Everything was so devoid of life, Not a plant or flower in the waiting room, I was later told that, That's to ensure anybody with allergies doesn't sneeze... Listen, There are only three reasons that you could be in this room today, One is Parkinson's, So your kinda fucked, Then Therese MS Which means you will be fucked up...And the third is Motor Neuron, Which means your completely fucked!!! So I don't think an occasional sneeze is gonna wreck my day! One of the grey faces there was the receptionist, Young Not unpretty! But looks like shes sucking a lemon when, Greet would be a strong word, Processes you would be apt.
You've got Parkinson's disease! JUST LIKE THAT, I suppose Therese no nice way to tell someone that they've got an Incurable, Progressive illness that over the years will rob you of your movement, Your speech your very essence, And we don't know what causes it or why or how you got it And that you should take this medication which may not work at all, And if it does There will be real nasty side effects, MABY! And in the meantime you should just get on with your life, As best you can! Of course.
I kind of felt sorry for the neurologist, Imagine being an expert in your field, Yet having no answers, Ones you knew to be truthful and certain anyway...Kind of like being a politician I guess! For less pay. Well backhanded perks anyway!
Twenty minutes later I'm sitting in my car outside my apartment, It was that quick, I'm on the phone to Rebbeca Murray, My boss But more importantly my friend, I'm coming over, Please don't, I need some time alone,Some time to think, some time to possibly cry...I don't know for sure, But until i got the action correct I'm on my own! after a bit of debate she reluctantly agreed.
The next month or so was what I referred to as the thirty days of tears! There were and really are no organisations who can really help, I mean really help, But Therese a little ray of light for PD sufferers who want to talk, If your that way inclined, What I'm discovering about PD is that you can suffer hugely from depression And i think I'm stating the obvious is That if you suffer from Depression You probably don't want to talk!!The ray of light i mentioned would be a small organisation who are completely patient oriented, Because they too suffer from PD, There called Move4parkinsons.com
I very quickly had to get hold of my condition So as not to let it take hold too soon, I was and am fighting it every day, so between the gym,bike and medication I get good hours of quality of life!
So when it works these little dopamine tablets they can boost my levels slowly and in a kind of jerky fashion, by this i mean Therese no fluidity in my movement And my thoughts are always foggy, Losing my train of thought very easily...But when it wears off its crash time!...Complete stiffness, cant talk, cant breath, pins and needles in my hands and feet, No balance and no coordination.
And vanity goes out the window!
I try to time the meds as best I can but its not easy, And as a result Ican find myself reverting back to the thirty days of tears!
The upside is that I'm loved!
Monday 9 April 2012
The mask...
Dave....Dave....David.......DAVIID! When I see this in print now as you do It makes sense whats being said, Its audible and as I read it and inadvertently move my lips and say my name, I understand,
But at the time it not only did not make sense to me, I was not even aware that it was being said!
Even as he laid his hand on my shoulder and shook I was slow to come around, I looked into the familiar blue eyes And noticed a broad smile beaming across his face, I could make out a few different shades of colour in his beard, Well it was more of a three day stubble Which didn't exactly match the hair on his head But certainly wasn't a mismatch either, A cruel joke played by Mother nature on us Irish, Or anyone with a touch of the lineage!
With a further shove I was in the room, Dave you ok? I though we lost you dude, It was Michael Fitzgerald's voice I was hearing, The distinct New York accent asking after me Now with his hand gripping the back of my collar assuming I had had too much to drink, The truth be known I had had about six vodkas and coke's, Not a little But certainly not enough to put me down!
Besides it was the staff Christmas party And I rarely found the time to let my hair down, Jeez man you were just staring into space like you were in a trance or something, He wasn't far wrong, The trance like status is what neurologists call the mask, Its very prevalent in people with Parkinsons, Most notably Muhammad Ali! Its where you lose all expression on your face, As well as several other functions, The ability to move at all is severely diminished, As is balance and coordination Its because dopamine levels in your brain are low, but I wasn't to know that then, I just thought I was working to hard!
In his hand was my phone, It was ringing, Dave man that's the third time its rang out, You better get it, It could be important...Those words resin ate still...
Hey, it's Trish, Listen...I think you should maybe come home this evening...I think it might be time!! I almost choked as My heart sank I pressed the phone tight to my ear Not wanting to hear one word out of context, Wanting to make sure I heard it right....but really, Not wanting to hear it at all!
I had experienced this before But never like this, There was a certain tone to it, Not a very nice one, A tone only someone who had just left his bedside for the thousandth time would have...Not one of urgency, But more like one of finality!
My heart was aching as I knew that over the years that he had been sick, I had for the most part en devoured to be the good son and brother, making as many visits as I could, Not easy when you work all week, You live a three hour drive away And you get to visit your daughter on the weekends, I had on some occasions let him down, Promising to visit...but life got in the way.
I fear that I was about to do the same now...Trish Ive been drinking and I'm not in a position to drive tonight, God how bad did that sound? To me in play back mode it almost sounded like I was telling her that It was rather inconvenient at the moment as I'm sharing a well deserved drink and Id see her tomorrow!
Regardless of how I thought It sounded, The fact was that It would be morning before I could hit the road!
I opened the door And was met by the familiar little faye carney, I say little because she once went to disney land and failed the height requirements on the rides! But as they say Good things come in small packages, With her thats true, Immediately flies in the door gives me a quick kiss and says ok slut...lets get rolling... Dressed in her pink uugs, Cotton pink hoodie and pink pants. she also wore pink gloves writing on them not for asstectics, they had printed on the left hand....left
and on the right, right Her sense of directions were appalling! The history here was that we had dated for a while and everythingwas amazing, we got on like a house on fire And I guess we were in love! But the timing was wrong, So we tried the friends thing...and it worked, so it suited and it stuck!
Hours in, breaking every speed limit along the way, I'm glad I had bought the Merc, It was quick and comfortable and the comfort gave me plenty of time to reminisce about Dad, Strangely enough its tough to get a clear picture in you mind of someone you don't see too often, I learn ed on the road that you have to put it into context, You have think of his expression his face when you last did something together. That worked for a while, When that didn't work anymore we sat in silence holding hands!
Not long now less than an hour to Cork, Were making good time, But I fear not good enough...I dropped the hammer hitting 120 miles per hour gripping the wheel like a man possessed,
staring at the road to the speedo to my phone wishing it silent and back to the road, Fay said something to me but i cant for the life of me remember...Just then the phone rang,.................................Ring ring ..............................ring ring...............................rin......Hello,
Dave, I could feel the tears well, Yeh....He's gone! I burst into tears but quickly regained some composure, when? Just a minute ago I sobbed....I'm so sorry He didn't see me before he left!
And in the worst moment of pain in my life ever, Its ok the boys were with him, Steven and shay her boys said Trish, So I slowed down realising the race had already been run and that he'd been surrounded by love when he left.... Besides Ive had several conversations with since then, Like now as I right about him!! Ive spoken to my nephew on one occasion about holding his hand and watching a loved one exhale the very essence of their being with their last outward breath And he said that on the day it was quite frightening But now he realises how privileged he was.
Regards Dave.
PS they wont all be dark!
But at the time it not only did not make sense to me, I was not even aware that it was being said!
Even as he laid his hand on my shoulder and shook I was slow to come around, I looked into the familiar blue eyes And noticed a broad smile beaming across his face, I could make out a few different shades of colour in his beard, Well it was more of a three day stubble Which didn't exactly match the hair on his head But certainly wasn't a mismatch either, A cruel joke played by Mother nature on us Irish, Or anyone with a touch of the lineage!
With a further shove I was in the room, Dave you ok? I though we lost you dude, It was Michael Fitzgerald's voice I was hearing, The distinct New York accent asking after me Now with his hand gripping the back of my collar assuming I had had too much to drink, The truth be known I had had about six vodkas and coke's, Not a little But certainly not enough to put me down!
Besides it was the staff Christmas party And I rarely found the time to let my hair down, Jeez man you were just staring into space like you were in a trance or something, He wasn't far wrong, The trance like status is what neurologists call the mask, Its very prevalent in people with Parkinsons, Most notably Muhammad Ali! Its where you lose all expression on your face, As well as several other functions, The ability to move at all is severely diminished, As is balance and coordination Its because dopamine levels in your brain are low, but I wasn't to know that then, I just thought I was working to hard!
In his hand was my phone, It was ringing, Dave man that's the third time its rang out, You better get it, It could be important...Those words resin ate still...
Hey, it's Trish, Listen...I think you should maybe come home this evening...I think it might be time!! I almost choked as My heart sank I pressed the phone tight to my ear Not wanting to hear one word out of context, Wanting to make sure I heard it right....but really, Not wanting to hear it at all!
I had experienced this before But never like this, There was a certain tone to it, Not a very nice one, A tone only someone who had just left his bedside for the thousandth time would have...Not one of urgency, But more like one of finality!
My heart was aching as I knew that over the years that he had been sick, I had for the most part en devoured to be the good son and brother, making as many visits as I could, Not easy when you work all week, You live a three hour drive away And you get to visit your daughter on the weekends, I had on some occasions let him down, Promising to visit...but life got in the way.
I fear that I was about to do the same now...Trish Ive been drinking and I'm not in a position to drive tonight, God how bad did that sound? To me in play back mode it almost sounded like I was telling her that It was rather inconvenient at the moment as I'm sharing a well deserved drink and Id see her tomorrow!
Regardless of how I thought It sounded, The fact was that It would be morning before I could hit the road!
I opened the door And was met by the familiar little faye carney, I say little because she once went to disney land and failed the height requirements on the rides! But as they say Good things come in small packages, With her thats true, Immediately flies in the door gives me a quick kiss and says ok slut...lets get rolling... Dressed in her pink uugs, Cotton pink hoodie and pink pants. she also wore pink gloves writing on them not for asstectics, they had printed on the left hand....left
and on the right, right Her sense of directions were appalling! The history here was that we had dated for a while and everythingwas amazing, we got on like a house on fire And I guess we were in love! But the timing was wrong, So we tried the friends thing...and it worked, so it suited and it stuck!
Hours in, breaking every speed limit along the way, I'm glad I had bought the Merc, It was quick and comfortable and the comfort gave me plenty of time to reminisce about Dad, Strangely enough its tough to get a clear picture in you mind of someone you don't see too often, I learn ed on the road that you have to put it into context, You have think of his expression his face when you last did something together. That worked for a while, When that didn't work anymore we sat in silence holding hands!
Not long now less than an hour to Cork, Were making good time, But I fear not good enough...I dropped the hammer hitting 120 miles per hour gripping the wheel like a man possessed,
staring at the road to the speedo to my phone wishing it silent and back to the road, Fay said something to me but i cant for the life of me remember...Just then the phone rang,.................................Ring ring ..............................ring ring...............................rin......Hello,
Dave, I could feel the tears well, Yeh....He's gone! I burst into tears but quickly regained some composure, when? Just a minute ago I sobbed....I'm so sorry He didn't see me before he left!
And in the worst moment of pain in my life ever, Its ok the boys were with him, Steven and shay her boys said Trish, So I slowed down realising the race had already been run and that he'd been surrounded by love when he left.... Besides Ive had several conversations with since then, Like now as I right about him!! Ive spoken to my nephew on one occasion about holding his hand and watching a loved one exhale the very essence of their being with their last outward breath And he said that on the day it was quite frightening But now he realises how privileged he was.
Regards Dave.
PS they wont all be dark!
Friday 6 April 2012
Too tall to fall...
Nine O clock, Cup of tea, Suited and booted at the front door of Samsara on Dawson Street, Well when I say nine I really mean nine thirty-ish! Its a crisp December evening but not too cold, Not like the cold patch we had last year, No snow forecast And while people moaned and groaned about last years white slushy inconvenience, There was a quite wishful anticipation from alot of people, mainly women, For a repeat, It did kind of add an air of Romanticism to a less than romantic city, For a while anyway, Christmas time makes me nervous, being a doorman in Dublin can be a bit tricky at the best of times, Now factor in the excess of alcohol consumption, Recessionary problems and Xmas, Now also add into the mix that the only sober man on the street who in their opinion is just there to be a personal kiljoy, Has Parkinsons disease! I have an uneasy feeling about the night, Not necessarily that anything particularly bad is going to happen, Just that something is definitely going to happen! My intuition is generally quite good at picking up on things like this, Some might argue that its a street at Christmas time full of drunk Irish people, Of course something is going to happen! And I wont truly feel, Secure would be a strong word, Content would be a better choice, Until Vitos the other doorman arrives, He has a way of just standing there all six foot three of him, broad shoulders, Typical Slavic features, shaved head sunken eyes And a very pronounced jaw line, Almost skeletal, His demeanour is typical of eastern european bouncers, They just look like they were built to fight! And no doubt he can! In saying that in all the years Iv'e known Vitos, He's never hit anyone! Fraid the same can't be said of me, Regrettably, The streets busy, Hundreds of revellers trapezing up and down Dublin's premier street, The majority of them not doing so good, Staggering and almost falling, One young man in particular caught my eye, On his own and standing about six foot three And I'd say he couldn't have weighed more than ten stone or 140 pounds soaking wet! Not a very good combination, I think God must have a sense of humour, He was certainly odd to look at And coupled with I'm sure copious amounts of alcohol he had undoubtedly consumed, He was like a cross between John Cleese and The walking dead, As he approached me I could see he was Just about to go, My face winces in the anticipation of the inevitable sound of face meeting footpath,That's a horrible sound, A very distinctive sound...How would i explain it, It's a sound that gets inside of you So much so that it ceases to be a sound But more like a stomach churning horrible feeling, To explain it in a little more detail, Take your favourite pet and watch him cross the road, His tail wagging his tongue out And you bend down to greet him, Then wham He's under a car being dragged down the street, You stand there in disbelief not registering whats just happened, But that's not the feeling I'm talking about, As you turn to run to him Your legs rebel And turn to jelly, Unable to see the damage yet and you know there must be damage huge damage! You visualise him twisted and bloody His head turned at an awkward angle, His fangs exposed and bloody, His little body crushed The smell of burning flesh fills the air as He's pinned under the still hot engine! I hope you understand now...I bet you do!!That's the horrible split second gut wrenching feeling I'm talking about!
And as this Skinny boys face headed South towards the footpath with the inevitability of the law of attraction...God's sense of humour continued.... All of a sudden theres a leg that magically appeared under him, Which He never knew he had! And frankly neither did I.
he continued on his jolly jaunt down Dawson street, Much to the amusement of all he passed!
Imagine that, He chose to resemble someone with Parkinsons...And I didn't!
P.S sorry about the doggy bit, Just need to get inside your head!
Regards Dave.
And as this Skinny boys face headed South towards the footpath with the inevitability of the law of attraction...God's sense of humour continued.... All of a sudden theres a leg that magically appeared under him, Which He never knew he had! And frankly neither did I.
he continued on his jolly jaunt down Dawson street, Much to the amusement of all he passed!
Imagine that, He chose to resemble someone with Parkinsons...And I didn't!
P.S sorry about the doggy bit, Just need to get inside your head!
Regards Dave.
Thursday 5 April 2012
Little did I know what was to come!
Slam...I jump up startled, In the dark, sitting upright clutching the edge of the of the object I was sitting on, The sweat pouring down my back, Turning colder with every second I sat there, My eyes darting left to right slowly capturing what little light there was creeping in through the wooden blinds on the...On the what? I still hadn't figured out where I was, Unlike you reading this, being in a cognitively aware state And just common sense would tell you that I'm in my bed in my room, In my apt building! But as of yet I was still in a state of fear, almost panic! The slow realisation starts to dawn, Iv'e been here before But a long time ago, Years ago even, When this was a regular occurence, When night terrors were what seemed to be an inevitable part of my life, I sat on the edge of my bed now with my feet on the floor breathing heavily....Remembering back to what I thought would be the toughest battle of my life...Little did I know what was to come!!
There was no treatment for such things back then,You just got on with it! Facing my sister and my Father the next morning, Head down a little embarressed, Who am I kidding...It was humiliating! I hoped nothing would be said, But that depended on just how angry my Father was that morning, Not necessarily angry at me and my nightmares, Just angry, Fathers back then just seemed to be angry all the time...Thats what they did! I think it was their job?! So it was usually that approach followed by me shedding some tears, This would usually appeal to his nurchuring side and he'd comfort me The best way he knew how!I think there was a delay in our bonding experience, We didn't hug or hold eachother We just weren't that kind of family! We just never learned how, You have to remember since the split of our parents, None of us knew what to do, Including my Father So I just wanted to not talk about it, and get out of the house as soon as I could, An escape if you like, One that suited us both...I think, It usually involved me heading up to Mount Crozier tennis club to wait for the lads, I'd sit there alone sometimes and wonder were these night terrors a result of the marital break, Maybe seperation issues! I dont know.
Iv'e tried on numerous occasions over the years to figure it out And wondered was it simply too much for a juvenile mind to take on... alone.
Your usually thrust into a situation thats completly alien to you, You know that soon enough the family dynamic you watched being eroded with the arguments of two people who were no in longer in love, Would soon culminate in a seperation of both flesh and property! I guess we all knew that we as a unit would be split, And as time progressed decisions were made and perhaps shared amongst the elders, I dont know! Like magic a slow division appeared between us kids, And soon it became apparent to My sister and I that we would be going to live with Our Father!....Yes it's far too much for a young mind to take in!!
It was an uncomfortable first day transistion sitting in his small cramped dark living room, Our bags still sitting next to us, Perhaps advertising the fact that the deal was not yet done, That perhaps we could yet be sent back! One thing was for sure He wasn't going to let this disrupt his routine, He sat there leaning towards the fire place holding his book in one hand and grasping his reading glasses and holding them to his face as he squinted to read by the fire light, I remember looking around to survey the room, Thinking how small everything was, The furniture was tiny, Trish and I were barely able sit on the couch together, There was one small print on the wall I don't recall the scene, In light of the surroundings Im sure it was nothing too joyous! Then horror of all horrors, I realised what was missing,
The one thing even back in those days of only one channel and six hours of daily viewing but were as crucial to a young developing mind then...As a laptop, An Iphone and the phrase OMG are concidered today! No TV! How would I survive, HOW? In hindsight, It was certainly for the best, I think our expectations back then were lower And until the day some months later when he actually walked in the front door with a TV under his arm, It too was tiny But anything else wouldn't have suited the scale of the furniture in the room, Genious...He had planned the whole thing!!He told us that he had rented it from Maddens downtown for the princely sum of 49 pence per week, No deposit required! But for the moment, We sat there quietly not yet feeling welcome... He not knowing what to do And we not wanting to overstep the bounderies,I held back and took my leads from Trish, I think for dinner on our first night we ate chocolate swiss roll....This was going to be great!
And after all these thoughts had vanished, I sat there with my feet on the floor, Breathing heavily Still.... Feeling Parkinson's take hold, Again, Realising that I was now in the toughest battle of my life!
Regards Dave.
There was no treatment for such things back then,You just got on with it! Facing my sister and my Father the next morning, Head down a little embarressed, Who am I kidding...It was humiliating! I hoped nothing would be said, But that depended on just how angry my Father was that morning, Not necessarily angry at me and my nightmares, Just angry, Fathers back then just seemed to be angry all the time...Thats what they did! I think it was their job?! So it was usually that approach followed by me shedding some tears, This would usually appeal to his nurchuring side and he'd comfort me The best way he knew how!I think there was a delay in our bonding experience, We didn't hug or hold eachother We just weren't that kind of family! We just never learned how, You have to remember since the split of our parents, None of us knew what to do, Including my Father So I just wanted to not talk about it, and get out of the house as soon as I could, An escape if you like, One that suited us both...I think, It usually involved me heading up to Mount Crozier tennis club to wait for the lads, I'd sit there alone sometimes and wonder were these night terrors a result of the marital break, Maybe seperation issues! I dont know.
Iv'e tried on numerous occasions over the years to figure it out And wondered was it simply too much for a juvenile mind to take on... alone.
Your usually thrust into a situation thats completly alien to you, You know that soon enough the family dynamic you watched being eroded with the arguments of two people who were no in longer in love, Would soon culminate in a seperation of both flesh and property! I guess we all knew that we as a unit would be split, And as time progressed decisions were made and perhaps shared amongst the elders, I dont know! Like magic a slow division appeared between us kids, And soon it became apparent to My sister and I that we would be going to live with Our Father!....Yes it's far too much for a young mind to take in!!
It was an uncomfortable first day transistion sitting in his small cramped dark living room, Our bags still sitting next to us, Perhaps advertising the fact that the deal was not yet done, That perhaps we could yet be sent back! One thing was for sure He wasn't going to let this disrupt his routine, He sat there leaning towards the fire place holding his book in one hand and grasping his reading glasses and holding them to his face as he squinted to read by the fire light, I remember looking around to survey the room, Thinking how small everything was, The furniture was tiny, Trish and I were barely able sit on the couch together, There was one small print on the wall I don't recall the scene, In light of the surroundings Im sure it was nothing too joyous! Then horror of all horrors, I realised what was missing,
The one thing even back in those days of only one channel and six hours of daily viewing but were as crucial to a young developing mind then...As a laptop, An Iphone and the phrase OMG are concidered today! No TV! How would I survive, HOW? In hindsight, It was certainly for the best, I think our expectations back then were lower And until the day some months later when he actually walked in the front door with a TV under his arm, It too was tiny But anything else wouldn't have suited the scale of the furniture in the room, Genious...He had planned the whole thing!!He told us that he had rented it from Maddens downtown for the princely sum of 49 pence per week, No deposit required! But for the moment, We sat there quietly not yet feeling welcome... He not knowing what to do And we not wanting to overstep the bounderies,I held back and took my leads from Trish, I think for dinner on our first night we ate chocolate swiss roll....This was going to be great!
And after all these thoughts had vanished, I sat there with my feet on the floor, Breathing heavily Still.... Feeling Parkinson's take hold, Again, Realising that I was now in the toughest battle of my life!
Regards Dave.
Sunday 1 April 2012
Inspiration from an unlikely source...
If it's true what they say, A problem shared is a problem halved! Then the same must apply for an idea...Or is it An idea shared is an idea doubled?! Maybe an idea shared becomes a flourishing of ideas! That makes more sense and sounds a bit more poetic, The idea in question was to on my own with borrowed equipment shoot an advertisement highlighting that April is Parkinsons awareness month and place it on Youtube, So I went about my usual procedure Calling anyone I knew involved in film or TV asking...OK begging for a bit of help but not getting too much positive feedback, Admittedly I felt a little discouraged wondering had I tapped a little too deep into the well of generosity and donated time over the last few years, Something I had been aware could happen and I believed I was now there!
After fretting for about a week wondering what I would do now and how could I force this to turn in my favour, I was down in my local Tesco's supermarket When at the checkout I saw a little kid, he had to have been four maybe five. Well he was frantically stuffing his pockets with sweets All the while watching his mother with her back to him, His little head bobbing up and down Terrified, He must have known he was going to get caught, He had to...Everyone else standing there snickering knew he'd get caught!
And like clockwork The Mother radar switched on, Something Fathers don't have! We have intuition But nothing like this, This is a fucking super power! And it terrifies little boys Because at the speed of light she had him! Her Claw wrapped arou.. Right that's taking it a bit too far...Her hand tightly wrapped around his wrist, Just tight enough to root him to the ground but not enough to do any permanent damage, Just enough to leave a pink shade of Chinese burn there, While this is an amazing Power that only mothers possess, Kids too up to a certain age Have a super power of their own, And this kid was about to unleash his, The waterworks started as she emptied his pockets and his legs turned into wet noodles his back went straight his head up, face red, screaming! She had him by the wrist as he pirouetted like a ballerina, I was amazed, If this was a man holding this kid, It would be all over As the father would be mortified, Apologising to his own four year old Rewarding him with sweets or the promise of a trip to Mc Donalds on the way home! Knowing that once home He'd be in trouble for spoiling his appetite!But he would be in the privacy of his own home while he's being humiliated And not here in public worrying that people would start to think he beats his kids...No one would of course!
Just when I thought it was going to get out of control, The Mother lent down and whispered something in his ear And it all stopped!! He stood up straight handed her all the sweets And started trying to help her with the groceries, It's a miracle...A fucking miracle I looked around me scanning the store for Jesus Christ, He must be here, I need to find him so he can lay his hands on me and take away this Parkinsons! Really though I knew it was just another Mother super power called love...
I listened to them exchange a few words as he nuzzled her thigh And she explained that he couldn't eat all the sweets because he'd have to force his dinner into his belly and there wouldn't be enough room...To which he replied I would never force anything I WOULD FIRST POOH OUT THE SWEETS! And then eat my dinner...We all cracked up and then went about our days, Very funny But very strange that events led me to be involved in that scene o life, That even now when I think about it, It makes me smile,So I took the boys advice, Stopped forcing things, Naturally made room for the dinner And within days I was contacted by a friend who is in the film industry and the advertisement was made! But that's a story for next time!
I guess the moral of this story is..... Don't force it, Believe that you are worthy and it will come from the most unlikely places!
After fretting for about a week wondering what I would do now and how could I force this to turn in my favour, I was down in my local Tesco's supermarket When at the checkout I saw a little kid, he had to have been four maybe five. Well he was frantically stuffing his pockets with sweets All the while watching his mother with her back to him, His little head bobbing up and down Terrified, He must have known he was going to get caught, He had to...Everyone else standing there snickering knew he'd get caught!
And like clockwork The Mother radar switched on, Something Fathers don't have! We have intuition But nothing like this, This is a fucking super power! And it terrifies little boys Because at the speed of light she had him! Her Claw wrapped arou.. Right that's taking it a bit too far...Her hand tightly wrapped around his wrist, Just tight enough to root him to the ground but not enough to do any permanent damage, Just enough to leave a pink shade of Chinese burn there, While this is an amazing Power that only mothers possess, Kids too up to a certain age Have a super power of their own, And this kid was about to unleash his, The waterworks started as she emptied his pockets and his legs turned into wet noodles his back went straight his head up, face red, screaming! She had him by the wrist as he pirouetted like a ballerina, I was amazed, If this was a man holding this kid, It would be all over As the father would be mortified, Apologising to his own four year old Rewarding him with sweets or the promise of a trip to Mc Donalds on the way home! Knowing that once home He'd be in trouble for spoiling his appetite!But he would be in the privacy of his own home while he's being humiliated And not here in public worrying that people would start to think he beats his kids...No one would of course!
Just when I thought it was going to get out of control, The Mother lent down and whispered something in his ear And it all stopped!! He stood up straight handed her all the sweets And started trying to help her with the groceries, It's a miracle...A fucking miracle I looked around me scanning the store for Jesus Christ, He must be here, I need to find him so he can lay his hands on me and take away this Parkinsons! Really though I knew it was just another Mother super power called love...
I listened to them exchange a few words as he nuzzled her thigh And she explained that he couldn't eat all the sweets because he'd have to force his dinner into his belly and there wouldn't be enough room...To which he replied I would never force anything I WOULD FIRST POOH OUT THE SWEETS! And then eat my dinner...We all cracked up and then went about our days, Very funny But very strange that events led me to be involved in that scene o life, That even now when I think about it, It makes me smile,So I took the boys advice, Stopped forcing things, Naturally made room for the dinner And within days I was contacted by a friend who is in the film industry and the advertisement was made! But that's a story for next time!
I guess the moral of this story is..... Don't force it, Believe that you are worthy and it will come from the most unlikely places!
Friday 30 March 2012
Lay down your arms.
Lay down your arms, It's been a month of me doing just that, Not living up to my end of the deal, My agreement to myself when Parkinsons became a daily reality in my life, Was that I would not let it change my routine, If anything it was going to give me more resolve, More clarity, More direction!
As the heading implies, That has not been the case, It's been a month of excuses, Not being able to do this or that, Not having the energy or the will to see things through to the end, Just making excuses! I suppose I shouldn't beat myself up too much, Being a progressive disease with no cure, Treated only with medication that at times seems to make things worse, It's not all bad though, If timed well first thing in the morning it can be pure bliss. For the most part.
As the heading implies, That has not been the case, It's been a month of excuses, Not being able to do this or that, Not having the energy or the will to see things through to the end, Just making excuses! I suppose I shouldn't beat myself up too much, Being a progressive disease with no cure, Treated only with medication that at times seems to make things worse, It's not all bad though, If timed well first thing in the morning it can be pure bliss. For the most part.
Leaving the apartment this morning, Or more accurately at two o' clock, My day begins about sixty minutes after my first dose of Stalevo, I headed to Donnybrook fair in Stillorgan, Parking the van in an disabled bay, Not something I like to do But it was chock a block, Down to the fact that it was pay day for most people I guess, I first had to head to the bank to pay some bills, Is it just me or are banks becoming one of the most unfriendly places on earth? While queueing with nine other people, Me being number ten I'm afraid, I watched as the young lady, I will call her Sharon, Partly because she looks like a Sharon and partly because her name actually is Sharon, It's written on her name tag!Well Sharon and I have a love hate relationship, She loves to hate me And by this I mean she doe's everything in her power to mess up my day, Maybe I remind her of an ex who screwed her over or perhaps I resemble some guy who tormented her at school, Pulling her hair, Calling her names chasing her home into the arms of her Mother who assures her that the only reason I do these things is, Cause I secretly like her!
I assure you that that's not the case... I wouldn't take her out! The tide wouldn't take her out!!
I digress, Approaching the desk I'm praying that one of her colleagues becomes available but no such luck, I step up hand her my withdrawal slip and smile, She doesn't even look up but I can see the smirk creeping around her pencil thin lips, The slight raising in the middle of her poorly bleached uni-brow And like clockwork she says ID please! I explain to her that I have been banking in this particular branch for 12 years and that I remembered when she began working there 5 years ago and that we have this same conversation every time I come here! She can see that theres something not right here that I'm now visibly flustered,I don't think the penny has dropped with her that it could be Parkinsons But I truly believe she enjoying this! Now at this stage I usually inform her that I don't have any ID on me and I'm made to answer a bunch of Questions...Address, phone number, Mothers maiden name, How long is a piece of string? Just as the inquisition was about to begin I pulled out my drivers license and placed it in front her, She stared at me her face getting more and more scarlet, She then started biting the inside of her mouth, as she counted my money she had a look of a bulldog chewing a wasp! I left the bank jubilant, Triumphant even, But it was a hollow victory, About then my medication stopped working And Life in gradual slow motion began all over again! The moral of the story is...Choose your battles well and know when you really should lay down your arms! Dave.
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